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"THE AUDITION" By M. Jeffery.

(Please note, this piece is copyright : and all rights reserved by Michael Jeffery.
If you wish to do anything with this sketch, other than READ it here, email Michael at MichJffry@aol.com or michjffry@yahoo.com.au )

Key

A = Andrew, D = Debbie, M = Michael.

[A ENTERS CONFIDENTLY]


A :
Right, our next auditionee is Debbie King.  Debbie King, are you out 
there please?


D:
Just here.


A:
Arh right, just come up thanks and we'll make a start.  [AS D WORKS 
HER WAY UP TO THE STAGE:]  Actually, this'll probably be the last 
audition before lunch, so if the rest of you want to go and grab a 
bite now, that's fine.  Debbie, [SHAKING D'S HAND] I'm Andrew R. Smith, 
we spoke on the phone.


D:
Yes, I  remember.


A:
Take a seat, take a seat.


D:
Thanks.

[M ENTERS, DRESSED AS A STAGE HAND.  HE BEGINS BUMPING OUT THE SET OF 
"ARTISTIC TRUTH" AND BUMPING IN THE "PUTTING BACK THE FEST." SET.  THE 
SKETCH CONTINUES WITHOUT M'S INTERJECTIONS UNTIL HE HAS FINISHED RESETTING 
THE STAGE, AT WHICH POINT M SAYS "CUT, CUT , CUT.  THE AUDITION, TAKE 2."  
THE SKETCH THEN RUNS FROM THE TOP WITH M'S INTERRUPTIONS.]

A:
Don't mind our stage hand Michael, he's just bumping out an old set.  
Hello Michael.

D:
Hi.

[M DOESN'T BOTHER TURNING AROUND, JUST WAVES]

A:
O.K.,  may I say right from the start, I've done a bit of research on you; 
talked to some of your former directors and casting people, and just let me 
say all their feedback on you, it's all been positive.

M:
We've heard you work cheap.

D:
Well may I say I've long followed the work your production company's turned 
out and I've always thought that was most impressive.

M:
Don't know who you are but I haven't worked in six months.

A:
Marvellous.  We arh, as I explained to you on the phone, we will be 
producing an exciting stage show in the next few months and that's what 
we're auditioning for.  It'll be based on an established piece, but we're 
been granted permission to do a rewrite.  There'd be no point giving you a 
copy of the entire script now, at this stage the script is still...organic.

M:
Hasn't been finished yet.

D:
Who's writing the script?

A:
A very talented young woman we've managed to track down.

D:
Would I know her work?

A:
Quite possibly, she's already spent MANY HOURS developing our script, in 
exchange for which, we will be presenting her work to a wide and varied 
audience.

M:
We're not paying her.

A:
I noticed from you C.V. that you've been in productions of "Summer Of The 
Seventeenth Doll" and "The Crucible".  Who was that with?

D:
Various companies, around the traps.

M:
Very amateurish groups I don't want to tell you about.

D:
Our production of "The Doll" was particularly successful, we had one bloke 
who saw it 13 times.

M:
The director.

D:
And after our initial season, we took it on tour.

M:
We went to this old people's home, and that old people's home, and...

A:
And after that?

D:
[PROUDLY:] Then came my part in "Neighbours".

M:
As the postman.

A:
Arh yes, I've done a little tele. work myself.

M:
An extra in Blue Heelers.

D:
And after Neighbours, I did a Harold Pinter play ; A Slight Ache.

A:
I saw that was on, did it have a good finish?

D:
Yes.

M:
Everyone was very pleased when it finished.

D:
Just getting back to you, where's your production actually going on?

A:
A new venue, it's suitably...intimate.

M:
Small.

D:
And the reworked script, I know you can't say too much as this early stage, 
but what sort of genre is it?

A:
A GENTLE comedy.

M:
Not funny.

D:
And how long will the show be on for?

A:
At this stage it's a two week run, but, well, who knows, anything could 
happen with this show, we've even had people at PLAYBOX talking about us.

M:
They've reported us to Actors' Equity.

A:
How about I now hear your song?

D:
I forgot my music.

A:
That's O.K.; do it without, just to give me some idea of your voice.

D:
O.K.

A:
What have you got for me?

D:
"Buttercup", from Pinafore.

A:
[UNDERWHELMED:]  Great, I love G & S.  When you're ready.

D:
Shall I stand up?

A:
If you like.

D:
[SINGING FLATLY:]  For he loves little Buttercup, dear little Buttercup, 
though I could never tell why, but...

A:
O.K., I'll stop you there.

D:
Singing's not really my strong point.

A:
I gathered that.  Perhaps I'll get you to read the script first, and we 
might come back to the song...

M:
We probably won't, but...

A:
We might come back to the song.  [HANDS OVER SCRIPT, D PREPARES TO READ.  
SUDDENLY:]  Actually, what size jacket do you take?

D:
Large, that would have been on my C.V.

A:
[PAUSE]
I don't think you're going to be right for this part.

M:
You're not going to fit the costume.

A: 
But look, thanks for coming, I'll hang onto all your details, and I'll keep 
you in mind for something else.

M:
You'll probably never hear from him again.

A:
If you'd go out the back way thanks; I've gotta close up for lunch.  
[D EXITS]  Tch, now I'm going to have to place another ad in The Age.  
[GRABS NOTEPAD AND PEN, STARTS TO WRITE AD:]  Performers wanted.  Exciting 
production company.  We're all about promoting NEW, AUSTRALIAN talent.

M:
He's reviving, Godspell.  [BLACKOUT.]

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