> 1. Aventura - Obsesion - 1
THIS is Number One?  If I had known France was where the Latin Pop
Explosion went to smolder and stink, I would've gladly hopped on the
Freedom Fries bandwagon.  Also - if you are not Larry Graham, you are
not allowed to slap your bass, especially when your bass sounds like
the sort of plastic Tinkertoy a Kajagoogoo roadie drenched in
bear-belly sweat and mascara.

> 2. Britney Spears - Everytime - 10
The more I hear this song, the more its hairy tendrils burrow into my
brain.  Classic simply for the concert footage I saw of her singing
this song while sitting at a piano by herself, hands perched over the
keys as if she were about to play this "very personal" tune her damn
self and shut all those "real artists play instruments" asshats up.
But, ha ha, she keeps her hands perched over the keys, immobile, for
the entire first verse, and then leaves the piano to strut and fret
her 2.5 minutes upon the stage like the beleagured diva she's become.
Kudos to that.  Rockist request - can someone with actual pipes and a
modicum of restraint give this song a run-through?

> 3. O-Zone - Despre Tine - 2
These twerps went to all the trouble of getting Daft Punk liquored up
for some after-party afterpartying, and then only bother to go to
first base.  First of all, I'm pretty sure you don't need to trick
Daft Punk into getting with you.  Second of all, GO ALL THE WAY NEXT
TIME OK?  (I like the whistle, though.)

> 4. T-Rio - (Choopeta) Mamae Eu Quero - 1
Las Ketchup is spinning in their bottle.  I hope everyone that pushed
this stone up the hill will familarize themselves with the much
superior version of this track offered on a "Tom & Jerry" cartoon
(sung by a crossdressing cat!  played on cat whiskers!)

> 5. Slai - Flamme - 0
Skanky skanky skanky.  You remember Big Mountain?  Those bumbaclots
that played a Peter Frampton song on steel drums?  Yeah, well, how you
feel getting blindsided by that unpleasant memory is how I feel
listeining to this, so nyeah.

> 6. Nadiya - Et C'est Parti - 0
OK, so this bombastic intro is setting me up for some "Crazy In Love"
/ "Survivor" greatness, and instead I get a hard-as-nails Celine Dion?
With a rap interlude?  In English?  By Smartzee?

> 7. Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started - 6
"Let's Get It Started" my ass.  The song is called "Let's Get
RETARDED" - this user-friendly version is slapped onto the back end of
_Elephunk_ because the Black Eyed Peas were too busy counting iPod
dollars to realize they'd be able to sell this song if they just
removed references to epilepsy and the like.  And now, whenever I
watch sports on TV, I have to hear this horseshit.  Whatever lesser
demon hooked the Peas up with all the fucking annoying / fantastic
hooks should've stuck around and helped the group make it work without
making it sound like it was work.  Never has the distance between
choruses been such a wide gulf. (Any and all references to Jerry Lewis
were mercifully killed with extreme prejudice during the typing of
this blurb.)

> 8. Maroon 5 - This Love - 5
I am sooooooooo numb to this song.  Put this on the record player or
on the AM radio, stab me with your steely knives, and I'll just sit
there, mute and drooling.  The singer's "soul" is a bit grating,
especially when coupled with the images of him wrasslin' with a sleek
bony lass, but outside of those speedbumps I'm well on my way to
Flavor Country.  Smoooooooooooth.  And some more O's for y'all, in
case my low scores didn't fill your quota - ooooooooooooooo.

> 9. Calogero & Passi - Face A La Mer - 3
Was the world really dying for a French Linkin Park at 33 rpms
covering "Creep"?  And, if so, can I borrow some WMDs?

> 10. Natasha St-Pier & Pascal Obispo - Mourir Demain - 8
Of COURSE I'm going to like the track that sounds like a sped-up Equal
Rights version of U2's "With or Without You" (via the intro to "What's
So Funny About Peace, Love & Understanding")!  Can you tell I went to
college in the early 1990s?  Did I also mention I'm still in college?
Think about it.