Some one once asked me to define transparency, the best way for me to describe transparency is "No Masks" coming from the source of love not fear. To be open and vulnerable, being at a place where you no longer are concerned about what others may think of you.
For most of my life I have lived in a bubble of fear, with parents who had no concept of unconditional love expressing emotions was foreign to them and my anxieties and fears became my mask, something that I was never fully aware of till now.
One day I knew in my soul this isn't how I am supposed to be. I had no idea I was avoiding the hurt I had stored within the dark scarred crevasses of my heart.
I was told to not be angry, that crying is for babies self-responsibility is only about money not feelings. I became the normal left brained protected little robot, continuing on my habitual path of negative thoughts and fears then I started reading self help books, which of course opened me up to a world I had no idea existed within me.
As I peeled away each layer, it was as though I was peeling away a thought at a time. Each thought revolving around how wrong it is to feel this way each judgement saying to me that it weak to show feelings. I became angry in my realisations, I cried deeply at the loss of all those years of repressed pain. For many years I gently unravelled these thoughts and replaced them with positive affirmations. So when I would watch a movie and feel like crying, I would cry. If asked "how are you today" I wouldn't just say "fine thank you" I would tell them how I really feel. I no longer acted on anger as my defence mechanism but showed the hurt and tears that I was really feeling.
I wasn't afraid of my feelings, I started to embrace all that I am without judgement or fear just a beautiful flowing of acceptance.
From being in this space I started to see humanity with such compassion and love. I realised to be transparent you must find acceptance within yourself. I have found that I have a better quality of life, my friendships are healthier and have moved into a greater depth of love, communication and respect of each other. My health is getting better each day I no longer have my migraines and agoraphobia. Which were apart of my life for over 10 years I now run workshops on assisting others to be transparent and using creativity as a tool to guide them.
I know at times I can be confronting for others because I do not fit into the normal mould. I am deeply feeling, passionate and intense at times, yet I am loving and tender and always open to the honesty of the soul. I have found through opening up I am so much more feeling and at peace with myself. For those who do not choose this path they walk out of my life quickly not because of how I am with them but how I am with me.
I couldn't imagine a world with those walls in it again, yes I feel hurt and pain still and I am open to my feelings but removing these masks has helped me to have a richer healthier life on so many levels.
For more information on my paintings and workshops please feel free to contact me anytime.
