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FLYING JOKES etc.

SUMMARY - Various stories I've been been sent

First - here are:  Murphy's laws of Aeromodelling

Provided by Claude MacKrill viteck@absamail.co.za

 

Murphy’s Law: If Murphy’s Law can go wrong it will

Murphy is out there waiting for you……

 

  • Murphy’s law. If your battery can fall out it will,
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you do a great landing

  • : Nobody’s watching
  • : The runways moved
  • : Your undercarriage collapses
  • : If there is an immovable object near, that is where you will land.
  • Only on perfect flying days will u forget your TX at home
  • If you use a wing joiner, you would have left it at home the week after you left your TX at home
  • If you can't go flying tomorrow, the weather will be perfect.
  • Your glow plug will blow just as you are about to start for a competition
  • If you let your future wife choose the honeymoon hotel, there won’t be a flying field close.
  • Your worst landing is always done at a pattern comp. (Ask Josh, or Peter Kapp)
  • If your retracts fail it will do so on a tar runway
  • If you have to walk 100m to the take off area (F1 Field Pretoria)
  • : Your engine wont run
  • : You forget your starter battery
  • : The temp is 40 deg in the shade
  • : You forgot the calling sheet.
  • : A call of nature becomes Very Very Urgent.
  • : You forgot the Coffee
  • : Its to dark by the time you get there

If you need a new prop you will have one either side of the size you need

If your tank leaks, the size of the leak is inversely proportional to how difficult it is to get to the tank

When your wife cleans up after you messed up the lounge, the pieces of balsa she throws away are the parts you need

Corollary: The parts she lovingly saved for you is the scrap. (PS don’t tell her otherwise the next time the wings will go out with the good parts)

Murphy’s Law on learning to start engines, "You Bleed You learn"

If you cut your finger while starting all the plasters in your box will have "Goofy" printed on it.

When your throttle linkage fails you will still have a full tank, it never fails on an empty tank (ask Damion (PRF)……20min @ 150 km.ph)

The expensive kit you just bought is on sale for half price at the other dealer.

Murphy’s law of fuel :

  • The fuel mix you have to use is always the most expensive.
  • : If your engine seized it was the "other" blend you should have run

Murphy’s law of Glo Plugs

  • : The plug you just threw in the bush was "OK" the glo battery was flat.
  • : The new plug in your box is not the one you need for your engine.
  • : A new glow plug will last forever if you have spares, but only about a half-an-hour is you don't.

Murphy’s law of Engines :

  • : You will always purchases the "New model" a week before the "New New" model goes on sale.
  • : The engine on sale is always one size to small, or to big for the model you just built.
  • : After hours of setting, changing pipe lengths, New fuel mixes, and Volumes of "Colourful adjectives" you bring the settings back to where they were in the first place, everything works
  • :The probability of an engine quitting is directly proportional to the distance the airplane is from the landing area

Murphy’s law of "take off’s"

  • : The only molehill on the runway will get in your way….Splat
  • : An engine that ran perfectly for months will splutter & die as you lift off. (At a comp)

Murphy’s law of Landings

  • :If you missed the molehill on take-off it will get you on landing ….Splat
  • : If it's not a tail dragger, it will be.

Murphy’s law Transmitters

  • : The one function your computer radio does not have is the one you desperately need

Murphy’s law of Weather

  • : On flying days the wind will blow
  • : On Non flying days, no wind
  • : On Public holidays the wind blows
  • : On public holidays you promised to take the wife out, No wind
  • : On perfect days, the mist refuses to lift.
  • : On perfect public holidays, the mist is situated ONLY over the flying field
  • : The wind is never blows at the "other field" until you decide to go fly there
  • : It never rains at the flying field unless it’s a flying day.

Murphy’s law of Frequency

  • : If a beginner joins the club it will be on your Spot
  • :If there are 5 flyers at the field, 3 will be on the same spot
  • : When visiting another flying club yours is the spot they have the most interference on, they don’t tell you until you "Splattered", they then say "what did I tell you the interference is still there". And then warn you about that spot.
  • Nothing is easy as it looks.
  • When things go wrong, that cannot possibly to go wrong, it’s usually impossible to repair.

Murphy’s law of Covering

  • :The right way to cover a certain shape is always found out the day after you just covered it the wrong way.

Murphy’s law of Helicopters:

  • (Actually this is a trick question. Anyone who has tried to fly a model helicopter for the first time knows full well that helicopters are a law unto themselves!!)

 

OTHER STORIES

  • When flying inverted, remember that Down is Up, and Up is Expensive.
  • A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion.
  • A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
  • A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister.
  • Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
  • Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
  • An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.
  • Aviation truism: Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
  • Basic Flying Rules: 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
  • Blue sea Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
  • Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.
  • Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  • Fighter Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
  • Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

  • Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man; landing is the first!
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
  • Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
  • Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth repels them.
  • Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
  • I'd rather be lucky than good.
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
  • If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
  • If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
  • It is noise that keeps a helicopter in the air. If the noise is turned off the helicopter will fall to the ground.
  • It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
  • Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • Never trade luck for skill.

  • No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
  • Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
  • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  • Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. A navigator. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
  • Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

  • Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
  • When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
  • When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
  • You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

-------------------------------------

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints said to have been logged by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Problem: describes for the problem the pilots entered in the log.

Solution: describes for the corrective action logged by the mechanics.

  

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

 

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on back order!!

 

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

 

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for!

 

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.

Solution: Suspect you're right.

 

Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

Problem: Radar hums.

Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.

 

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.

Solution: Cat installed.

 

For more jokes - updated monthly, check out

www.gate52.com/joke.html

 

 

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