How many ejaculating penises does it take to change a lightbulb?
Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a little man with a lot of power. In conjunction with some major institutions, like the Church, this little man banned many, many things, including books and films, that he considered subversive, but instead he labelled them offensive. Now we all know that this country was called Spain, and the loveable little dictator was Franco, and in Australia, our wonderful democracy, the last person who would ban something would be a UQ Union president, and the last something to be censored would be a student newspaper. Wouldn't it?
Apparently not. Apparently, our little and loveable Union president, after "legal advice" has forced the removal of an image included on the first page of my work, Fuct and Fiction, featured on the inaugural Semper CD-ROM. Apparently, it's "offensive"and apparently it might get her, and her gaggle of Union hacks, (which some might cruelly allege are well-and-truly part of the oft-Catholic backed institution known as the Labor party), into a spot of hot water, legally speaking. Never mind that one of her first stated aims on the UQ Union website is, "continuing to defend and secure the fundamental rights of students ? which are so often in the face of concerted attacks by conservative governments." Use your Union, right Sarah? Right before it uses you...
And what would be this horrendously offensive image? (please stop reading now if you're offended by the functions of the human body ? we don't want the Union being sued now, do we?) An ejaculating penis! Now, dear reader, I'm not sure about you, but in my brief and barren time spent on this rotting planet, I've witnessed, often in close-up, many an ejaculating penis. Many of them have been attractive, exciting, sexy; even more have been fucking hilarious. But I've never been offended by one. As a rough estimate, I'd say 85% of adults have seen an ejaculating penis and, if an ejaculating penis was as offensive as our dear President and her legal team would have us believe, you might think birth rates around the world, especially in Australia, especially in QLD, and especially at UQ would be downright plummeting!
But before you get the impression that I'm totally blaming Ms Brazil, sorry, I meant McBratney, who staunchly told us over a year ago to stand up and exercise our democratic right to vote, ensuring a council that would fight for all students, please think again. Apparently this wonderful democracy, with its own little fascist, and with the help of powerful institutions like the Church and a certain Brian Harradine in particular, has in place laws that prevent an ejaculating penis from being produced and published ? apparently, it's offensive and pornographic. And apparently, QLD's censorship laws are even more restrictive. Well fuck me up the ass sideways with an Olympic gold medal! What do you know? A conservative, church-backed government thinks, like the conservative, church-backed Labor party, like the conservative, Labor-backed student union, that the male appendage in its ejaculating glory is worthy of prohibition. What will it be ? the puppet on the left, or the puppet on the right?
A few questions come to mind here:
1)Why is an ejaculating penis considered so offensive that
consenting adults can not gain access to an image of it in a
publication for voting, fee-paying members of an
organisation. (We can't even give you an internet link to it ?
we, sorry, the Union and Ms McBratney might be sued!) And
why is similar material available freely in the University
library? And why are we in such need of protection from
this obscene and hideous "ejaculating penis"?
2)Why are gross and hideous displays of violence against
women and children considered appropriate for public
consumption on a daily basis, in the news, in movies etc.,
and yet an image of the male sexual organ ejaculating not
permissible? And how is it that Griffith's Gravity publication
were able to avoid legal proceedings when they published a
centre-spread of a cunt last year?
Perhaps these are questions Ms McBratney and the rest of her McUnion might be able to answer, although don't try contacting her by phone. I had to find out that she was censoring my own work through a friend she'd consulted, and when I tried ringing her and leaving messages, she never did call back. Maybe she was busy, representing students, though it might have had something to do with Election week and wanting to see her friends returned to power for the 5th year running. Try e-mailing her: <union.president@mailbox.uq.edu.au>
Meanwhile I leave UQ with a sense of sadness intertwined with the twisted bitterness of my caffeine-soaked gut. I've learnt that you can't trust your elected representatives, no matter which side, to take a stand for you when it matters, although at least the assholes on the right are truthful about their neo-fascist views. I've learnt that somehow, somewhere there are people with a lot of power who posses a neurotic fear of an ejaculating penis, but love violence, war and the pursuit of the ever-falling dollar. And I've learnt that this state and this country, as we approach 100 years of Federation, is looking better and better from the rear-view mirror, the wreckage of intolerance, the betrayal of democracy and free speech, the desolate lack of intelligent, articulate intellectuals and politicians fading as I fly further and further away from what I now see as the bastard offspring of colonialism that might have improved, just slightly, if a big fat nuclear fucking bomb had been dropped on it just before John Howard was born. Yours in slithering sarcasm, signing off, Geoff Parkes.
By the way, we couldn't publish the answer to the joke that
started off this article. Apparently, some people might have
found it "offensive".
Union President Sarah McBratney's response