Summary: If these walls could talk they'd tell
you to shut the hell up. Set in the Pandora's Box universe, preslash, 790 words.
Wonderwall and other wall inspired cliches.
If these walls could talk.
It's one of those Muggle sayings that often get passed around the wizard
population through the Muggle-borns and their families. It makes no sense
whatsoever to the natives, of course. What d'you mean, 'if these walls could
talk'? they exclaim. What do you mean, 'if'?
The question shouldn't have been, 'if these walls could talk', but, 'if these
walls bothered talking.'
Because walls did not often talk. If the walls bother to talk, it was usually
muttered grumbling. Walls don't like touching things; they hate wall paper and
they hate pictures being hung on them, and they hate other walls touching them
on the sides.
Hogwarts's walls are particularly odious. They are old and irritable, and say
hardly anything at all. Humans believe they had changed over the years, but
really, they were all the same. Gossiping was left to the portraits, who do a
splendid job. Particularly tetchy walls tend to move around the castle, which
confused the students as much as the moving stairs did.
And what was the point of talking to another wall about the goings on of a
century-old school? It's not like the walls haven't seen it all before.
They've seen James Potter turn Severus Snape into a snake in the fifth floor
corridor. They've seen Remus Lupin and Sirius Black share their first kiss in
the Quidditch changing rooms. They've seen Zacharias Smith finger Pansy
Parkinson behind Greenhouse Four. They've seen Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown
swap knickers, and they've seen Cho Chang teach Terry Boot how to put eyeliner
on properly, and so on. They have also watched boys piss on the toilet seat
about a thousand times; nothing surprises walls anymore.
The third floor boys toilets have several walls, all of which have stains all
over them. One of the tall stall walls is called Martha (real name
Marthacaloufiggleworrybootpootsentimengl
One day, Harry Potter, being one of those boys who are scared shitless of public
urinals, pushes past Fee Fee (the door) and stands between Sippy (Martha's best
friend) and Martha. He starts to do his business standing up, and in nervous
boredom reads what Martha has to say.
This is what Harry reads:
DRACO MALFOY IS A POUF
HE LOVES IT UP THE ARSE
HP & DM sit in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g and have babys
(Scribbled) Thats fucking gross!!!! Harry is hopper and larky... (Harry can't
read the rest because it's so badly written.)
Harry, dick still in his hand, stares, and has so many mixed feelings about what
he is currently re-reading that it takes him quite a long time to process it
all.
In the meantime, the author is now going to tell the reader what exactly it is
Martha knows about her involuntary message.
The first two lines were written by two third year boys whom hate Draco Malfoy,
because Draco Malfoy pushed the two boys over last year in the corridor for what
seemed for no reason at all except he thought it was funny. Sam Pratt and Sean
Forrest had wanted the graffiti to upset Malfoy and maybe spread rumours about
him. What Sam Pratt and Sean Forrest hadn't realised, thick as bricks as they
were, was that their accusations were completely and utterly true, and in the
long run the graffiti only served Draco Malfoy well.
In fact, as Harry Potter is thinking that Malfoy did have rather nice hair so
yeah, perhaps he is... like... that, Draco Malfoy is up in a deserted room in
the Astronomy Tower trying to break up with his boyfriend Adrian Pucey. It isn't
going very well, and it's driving Draco Malfoy up the wall, so to speak.
Back to Martha. The third line was written by Morris Pratchett, a first year
Hufflepuff with blonde hair and bad grammar. After writing on Martha he had
spent the day giggling his little head off.
The third was read incorrectly only moments ago. It was written by Seamus
Finnigan and what Seamus had actually written was this:
That's fecking grouse!!!! Harry is hotter and lovelier than Malfoy and I would
snog him any day PS Malfoy is an eejit.
Harry, pulling his trousers up properly, comes to the conclusion that Draco
Malfoy is very pretty, and Harry will watch him for a while to see if Malfoy
really is gay.
As Harry is leaving the toilets, Draco is stomping down the Astronomy Tower
stairs. They are thinking about each other in the exact same way, at the exact
same time.
There's proof too: the writing's on the wall.
End.