Outback Weather (2)

 “The Politician” 

 IT WAS WINTER in the outback. Nothing grew, it rarely rained, and all was static and serene in Slade County. 

Ambling around the town, Jim had almost passed "Kathy's Coffee Cup" when the arresting aroma of a fresh brew halted all forward progress.  Capitulating to the lure, he performed a nasal navigation to the interior, where he spotted Ted Davis, the "all round" publican, stretching the seat in a quiet corner.

 "Hello Ted", he greeted, "you're a bit out of bounds this morning" 

"Not as much as you may imagine Jim.  I often pop in here for a bit of a muse when I’ve got a slowish period." 

Jim felt he may have intruded and made to leave on the pretext that he was just looking for someone, but Ted would have none of it. 

"No, no, sit down awhile.  I'd like to hear your opinion on a certain matter."

Jim signalled to Kathy for the usual long black.  Kathy carried a "not to be crossed" type of physique, and coupled with a deepish penetrating voice, probably just scraped in, at first glance, as a female of the species.  Her saving asset was a compassionate smile, the aura of which seemed to spread to her whole being. 

The chair creaked in response to the farmer settling his weight opposite "mine host." 

"I'll let you into a quiet rumour, Jim,” he began. "I've had a reliable hint that old David Downes, the local M.P., is going to retire this time around and I'm mulling over whether or not I might have a ping at slipping into his shoes." 

"My first thoughts, Ted, are that if you succeed, you'll probably turn about half of your customers sour.  If you can handle that, okay." 

"How come?" 

"Well, as I see it, the county is roughly divided between the two major parties, so each time your mob votes on a bill, for or against, near half of the people will disagree with you.  And it won't take too many events before you and your business loses some flavour." 

"You don't think a politician can be accepted by the majority as good and fair regardless of party?" 

"First, tell me, what is a good and fair politician?" 

The approaching drawl of Sam Giles in the background effectively stifled any reply that may have been forthcoming. 

"Well, well I thought I might find you in here Jim, but I hadn't expected to see Ted so early.  The way you were huddled together reminded me of Ned and Dan!  What are you two cookin’ up?"

 Not wishing to betray the crux of their conversation, Jim tactfully came in with an answer befitting any politician.  "We were just discussing what makes a good M.P." 

"Now there's a coincidence.  You've got the right man here to answer that one," Sam responded with a sarcastic hint in his eyes, at the same time positioning himself and coffee uninvited at the table.  The usual rummaging for remuneration through an assortment of pockets took precedence over his reply.  Eventually, transaction completed, he simply took up where he had left off! 

 "Now, there are three rules to bein’ a good politician," he paused for effect, then taking a deep breath, "unfortunately, the truth of the matter is, nobody knows what they are!"

"I get an inkling Sam, that you don't have a high regard for the Honourables?"

 "Put it this way, I'm not wishin’ to run down any of that lot, but it's unlikely, in my opinion that our way of life here would be any different if we were represented by a monkey!  David is a nice enough bloke, but he's never done anythin’ for or against the farmin’ man, and I doubt that he could, even if he wanted to.  And what brought this topic up eh, are you thinkin’ of standin’?" 

The publican gave Sam a slow pensive nod of the head.  "I've had a quiet hint that Downesy might hang up his briefcase this time around."

 "Half of the town knows that."  Sam responded.

  "What!"  Ted exploded from an already reddening face, embarrassed that what he held to be a secret was common knowledge before he had learned of it.

 Quite some discussion ensued over this point before it was interrupted by a pair of feet shuffling toward them, the accompanying body uttering in slow motion, "I thought I seen you come in 'ere Jim.  Mornin’ Sam, Ted."

"Spanners," Ted quizzed.  "Have you heard anything about David Downes quitting politics?"

 "Yeah!  He called in one day wantin’ to know if I thought ‘e should buy a new car before ‘e retired.  I thought you'd know; publicans usually know everythin’.  Its only politicians don't know nothin’!"

"You and Sam make a good pair," Ted smiled, and it almost looked genuine.

 Looking across to Kathy, who by now had quietly closed in on the group, Spanners ordered a short white from the standing position and kept right on: "You think about it.  Once someone gets elected, they don't ‘ave to know anythin’ anymore; all they gotta do is talk.  My missus could do that!"

Ted, having recovered from his embarrassment, decided it would be entertaining to encourage the mechanic.

 "I was wondering if I might stand at the next election Smithy, but you've made the job sound so easy, I've decided that I'll definitely have a go."

 Kathy interrupted by placing a small coffee on the vacant space, and looking up to whom it belonged, still afoot, spoke in a mothering whisper, "On the house," before stepping back a mere polite distance.  Spanners nodded, sat and took the bait. 

 "The way I see the job, Ted, yer don't do anythin’, yer don't make anythin’, yer don't mend anythin’, yer don't even sell anythin’ except yer self at election time.  Yer can't change anythin’ on yer own; all yer can do is back up the other seat shiners!  Yer don't ‘ave to ‘ave an opinion; yer don't even need to think."  He paused just long enough to take in air.  "And on top of all that, yer get paid more than I gets for the rest of yer life.  It don't seem fair value to me." 

 Ted had him in top gear.  He maintained the momentum by tossing in a rousing remark or two every few minutes and Spanners never failed to react, even to fielding "questions without notice"!

 Jim, on the other side, had remained quietly in the background to this point, merely sipping coffee and swapping expressions with Sam. A sudden pause in proceedings goaded Jim into stirring the pot himself with a juicy question.

"Tell me mate, would you vote for Ted if the opportunity should come up?"

 "It's don't matter no difference to me ‘oo I vote for, me taxes will still go up; and what will I get for the extra money?  Nothin’, that's what.  All it'll do is allow them hot air hoo-hars to vote themselves a pay rise without affectin’ their budget."

He took a deep breath this time and changed into overdrive.

"I always voted for old David out o’ compassion, ‘cos I didn't know ‘ow he'd earn a livin’ if he ever lost ‘is seat.  But you Ted, you always got yer business to fall back on.  I might just wait a bit before decidin’ on that.  I reckon there's a good chance you'll turn on free drinks the night before the vote, an’ that could be a good time for me and the missus to think about it!"

 Ted almost broke into genuine laughter, but modulated his reaction to another broad grin.  "I'd hate to disappoint you fellows but if I did that, it could be construed as bribery."

"Rubbish!  It's less than all them other buggers do, and yer can write it off to the business,” he replied, downing the dregs of his coffee.  Then, as if animated by a sudden hit of caffeine, stood up to take his leave.  "I can't stand around talkin’ maybes to you lot all-day.  I got a bloke waitin’ back at the garage for me.  I only left him for five minutes, to let you know Jim, yer pump won’t be ready ‘till next week.  Don't suppose you'll be wantin’ it in a hurry this time of year?"

 "Whenever it's ready Smithy will be fine."

 "Okay," was his final word before shuffling out with the identical wave he used when he shuffled in?

 Ted's eyes followed him until he was out of sight, then tenderly announced, "There goes what I call a kind, good-hearted, never do a wrong thing fellow, and I know that half of what he said was well and truly tongue in cheek."

 "He enjoyed that little chat," Jim agreed.  

"He also had a good point or two between the lines, so to speak," Sam suggested, "and it might be wise to remember that there's many in his electorate who think just like him."

 This remark prompted much discussion all round, until Jim managed to nudge their thoughts onto a lighter topic.  He suggested that there seems little doubt Ted would contest the next election, and therefore it might be appropriate for him and Sam to offer from their collective wisdom's, some useful advice!

 Ted braced himself for a round of chestnuts, beginning with Samuel.

 "On the campaign trail, you must never jump on the bandwagon unless they are playin ‘ your tune!"

"And also," Jim followed, "never push your own barrow unless you're on solid ground." 

Ted smiled, "I'll make a note of that" Kathy moved closer and Sam winked.

"It's most important to remember not to run out of puff in blowin’ your own trumpet." 

Not to be outdone Jim countered "And if you get stuck with a sinking ship there's no advantage in pulling the plug."

 At this point, the publican, obviously enjoying the good humour took the extraordinary step, probably for the first time in his life, of shouting a round of coffees!  Four beverages duly arrived, with Kathy tactfully sinking her bulk into the chair vacated by the mechanic.  Customers were generally scarce at this time of day, granting her the opportunity to join the clan uninterrupted.

 Ted leaned forward, crossed his arms on the table and suggested that all this raillery was fine as far as it went, but what advice, he queried, could they offer should he actually make it into parliament?

"Ah," Jim exclaimed immediately, "in that case we have many awe inspiring words of wonder for you."

 Sam readily agreed.  "Indeed we have.  From time to time you will be required to make comments and probably a speech or two, if you're not too long-winded about it.  On the other hand, if you are long-winded you'll probably be stretchin’ the truth."

 "And speaking of truth," Jim followed on, "Remember, getting away with a half-truth is twice as good the whole truth any day."

 "I haven't heard that one since I was a boy," Ted laughed, "and that's stretching my memory!"

 "What about getting landed with a "floored" argument if you start pulling your punches?"

 Noticing Kathy's bemused expression, Sam diplomatically explained the subtlety      of the last remark before shifting his eyes back to Ted with, "There is always mileage Mr. M.P., in distancin’ yourself from controversy."

 "Well done Sir," Ted applauded.  "Do I hear a final word from Jim?"

 "Well Ted, if you should find yourself verbally trapped in a corner, remember you can't bite the bullet if you haven't first spat the dummy."

 "And a final word from both of us," Sam said looking across to his friend for a confirming nod.  "The most important thing to remember, never, never confuse politics with runnin’ the country." 

 Kathy, who had been quietly soaking it all up, felt the time was opportune to offer a few wise words of her own; to say it for the women before the session ended.

 "Don't you take any notice of them," she gestured with a wide karate-type sweep of a wrinkled hand.  "They're just making hot air." She focused her smile on Ted.  "You hear me out and I'll give you a tip of real value to remember."

 Ted: "I'm hearing!" 

"I've been around a long while now.  I've had some hard knocks and handled a lot of rough weather, but in that time I've also learned how to pick the genuine from the fake."  She drained her coffee. "You've heard the expression that there is no truth or lies in parliament, only politics?  Well, if you want to know anything in regard to the workings of your office, the true opinions of your opposition, or any hush-hush stuff, then there is only one way to do it -- ask your friendly tea lady!  If she doesn't know the answer, then there isn't one."

 She leaned closer to Ted's ear and softened her tone.  "Pamper her, treat her as if she was your loving mother and you will hear the voice of experience, and more importantly, the only unbiased information in the building."

 Ted started the applause, with the other pair joining in, adding a couple of "hear" "hears" to the tumult.  He stood, saluted Kathy, and then bowed deeply, acknowledging her down to earth approach to life.

 He remained standing to announce the time had come for him to return to reality.  "Thank you all," he continued, "for an enjoyable morning.  For those who may have the time, there will be a complementary counter lunch served at my premises shortly." 

His departing wave was a poor attempt at emulating Spanners.

 Sam looked across to his peer.  "Why not?  A free feed's not to be sniffed at."

 Jim nodded in agreement, and "yes, why not?" he thought, for there was time enough.  

 It was winter in the outback.

 

© F.L. Kemsley 2003      

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