MARIO HAD LOST part of his verandah during a
recent storm. Mario worked the land adjacent to Sam Giles until old
age forced him into retirement. Now living on a peaceful ten acre lot
about a farmer’s hour away, he was dubious about climbing the ladder
to effect repairs on his own, and reluctantly telephoned Sam for some
assistance.
“What he really means, Jim,” Sam said in
relating the call to his neighbour, “is that he is too unsteady on his
feet to tackle the job, and would like us to come and fix it for him.”
“I don’t want to see him doing those jobs at his
time in life either. And it’s my opinion, just as a side issue, that
old age should be avoided at all costs.”
“Count me in with you there Jim.”
“I’ll remove a few sheets of iron from the roof
of that shed my nephew so cleverly dismantled” Jim offered , with just
a hint of pride, “together with what ever tools we might need, and
I’ll pick you up after breakfast in the morning, . . . if your wife
can get you out of bed that is.”
“She won’t have to. I’ll be sittin’ up in the
chair all night with me overalls on just waitin’ for you.”
Promptly at eight o’clock next day Jim drove up
beside Sam’s workshop, where the man himself was standing, surrounded
by an array of implements.
“Morning Sam,” Jim dismounted, “I think there’s
enough gear in the back, but chuck in what ever you want. When you’re
working, which isn’t common, you need everything going for you!”
A few more snide remarks and the pair were
headed north to answer the call. Conversation during the journey
usually consisted of light-hearted banter interleaved with periods of
silence, and this day was no different.
“How’s that concoctional chemist of a nephew
goin’,” Sam asked, more for conversation than genuine interest.
“He’s fine. He tells me he has been jogging
every day before work to get fit.”
“Why would he want to get fit?”
“So he can jog every day.”
Sam, realising he had been hooked, used his
usual escape route by pretending he hadn’t noticed, and switched tack
to a safer subject. “I believe there was a car accident along this
road yesterday. Someone ran off and into a ditch; probably driving a
bit too fast on the gravel.”
“You know Sam, I reckon there is a way to cut
the road toll in half, if some party had the guts to implement it.
What’s more it is simple and wouldn’t cost much either.“
“Comin’ from you, I’d expect it to be simple.
Do you fancy emptyin’ your brain by tellin’ me about it?“
“I’ll tell you,” Jim smiled, “if you think you
can understand it. One rule, one piece of legislation! That’s it!
You pass a law that says nobody can drive a car that has more ability
than the driver. Think about it.”
Sam did that. “Your idea is that, in theory
anyway, people won’t get into a situation that they can’t handle?“
“You got it.”
“Except, there is a down side you seem to have
overlooked that will kill it off.” Sam rubbed his chin with thumb and
forefinger for effect. “ All the politicians would have to drive ‘ T
‘ model Fords! And you can’t buy them anymore.“
“Trust you to spoil a brilliant revelation.”
“Well even if you could buy them Jim, those
blokes could never learn how to start one!“
“Yes, I suppose you’re right Sam. The three
pedals on the floor and no accelerator could be a bit of a drawback
too!“
There followed a time of silence until Sam came
up with a bait to cast at his partner. “Did you hear the rumour that
Warren, ‘The states most eligible bachelor,’ is gettin’ married?”
“Nooow!” Jim pouted with incredulity.
“No, neither did I.”
This time it was Jim’s turn to be hooked, and he
acknowledged it with a hearty laugh. Another brief silence preceded
an intermittent series of ad-lib unanswered questions.
“Do bumpkins farm pumpkins?”
“Only if yokels farm eggs.”
A brief silence…
“Do you reckon undertakers can get you down?”
“I think crematoriums can get one fired up!”
A short silence…
“Is a postman a man of letters?“
“Are editors well read?”“
A long silence…
“Are waiters time wasters?“
“Is a teller a whistle blower?“
A little more silence…
“Would you believe Archimedes was a displaced
person?“
“Only if we accept Achilles was a bit of a
heel!“
A pause…
“Are snails sluggish?“
“Maybe, but I’m sure runnin’ out of money is a
soberin’ thing.”
A longer pause…
“Hey, is a Rear Admiral a stern commander?“
“How do you get the salt out of a navel orange?“
And so the chatter went on until they slowed to
enter Mario’s driveway, pulling up beside an undamaged section of the
verandah . The man himself rose from an old, comfortable deck chair
to greet them. As they mounted the stairs, Mrs. Mario filled the
doorway, holding a large loaded tray, promising one sumptuous morning
tea.
“I don’t care how busy you are,” she announced
while setting the contents down on the table, “ there is always time
for elevenses,. . . or in this case, half past nineses! You probably
got up before dawn if the truth be known.”
“These days,” Mario took up, “ we have an
agreement with the sun --- it gets up first!“
During the cups of tea, home made scones,
blackberry jam and fresh whipped cream, the Samaritans eyed over the
damage. Two sheets of iron torn away, two others damaged but usable,
and the framework mostly intact.
“Must have been a good storm to do that?“
“Yes Jim, it only lasted about fifteen minutes
though. I found the old sheets down along the road but they’re too
damaged to use again. And thanks for coming so quick.”
Sam smiled at his old neighbour. “You have to be
quick. If you get another blow like that with the roof like it is, it
could take half the house with it. You know that.“
“I know. I also know we’ll be finished before
lunch; Leda’s got it all prepared!“
They went to work, Jim on the roof, Sam midway
on the ladder and Mario supervising at ground level. The trio merged
together with such precision that an onlooker might believe the whole
job had been rehearsed, each one anticipating the others needs.
Other than Jim nicking a finger on some sharp
piece of iron, the repairs went without a hitch. It was all done,
tools packed away and everyone washed up by midday, as forecast.
The promised lunch more than matched Leda’s
morning tea, as only rural folk can do. After a good chat over old
times, more cups of tea and multiple hand shakes, the pair managed to
extricate themselves from the premises.
“That job went pretty well Sam. And you were
right, Mario is getting a bit too old to be doing that sort of work on
his own, but I admit he saved us a lot of time just the same. He knew
exactly what was wanted and when. He’s a good old toiler, and so is
Leda; my guts is full!“
“I’m feeling a bit tight myself. They sure
turned it on for us.”
Several minutes passed with only the drumming of
rubber on gravel as they travelled homeward.
Sam reset the conversation with a criticism.
“We were talkin’ about poor drivers on the way up here, but right now
I can’t say much for your efforts. We are all over the road.”
“I know,“ Jim retorted, “I’ve got a tyre going
flat!“
“And are you plannin’ on doin’ anythin’ about
it?“ The reply carried a hint of sarcasm.
“I’m looking for a good safe spot to pull over
before it runs out of air, and here’s one coming up right now.“ Jim
steered safely into a level area just off the road shoulder.
“That was a good experience for you Jim, I
s’pose you’ve never had a flat before. Did you bother to bring a
spare?“
“It’s in the back. You get it out for me while
I jack the wheel.“
“Is the spare blown up,” Sam continued making
light of the situation.
“I don’t know,“ Jim lied, “but it won’t matter.
It doesn’t have to be inflated to be road worthy.”
“Oh well, as long as we’re legal.“
Jim extricated some tools from under the seat,
loosened the nuts and fitted the jack securely in position.
“Sam, which way do you turn this handle to make
it go up?“
“Around,” came the reply. “They are all the
same.“
Finally , after a few more caustic remarks
regarding each other’s abilities , the swap was completed. An
examination of the damage revealed the tyre had been punctured by a
horse shoe nail.
“That horse might have shed more than one nail,“
Sam suggested, “do you have any tyre plugs, just in case?“
“Yes, and they’re still in your shed!“
“Is that who they belong to! I’d forgotten who’s
they were and I’ve been waitin’ for someone to come and get ‘em back.
Make sure you collect them on the way home.“
“Nevertheless Sam, you are right. We just might
pick up another one. There is a workshop not far down the track, I’ll
call in there and get it plugged.“
Both knew, yet neither did mention, that a quiet
little tavern happened to be situated next door but one from the where
they were headed! Each sat in silence, content with their own
thoughts, until Jim pulled in at the repairers.
“They look pretty busy in there,“ Sam lied, . .
with a smirk.
“Yes, it could be some time before we get moving
again,“ Jim lied in return.
“Since it is your tyre, I’ll let you arrange to
get it fixed while I go and check the quality of the ale in these
parts.” And he ambled into the distance.
By the time Jim entered the bar, his neighbour
had already put the finishing touches to a glassful. “Here at last,“
was the greeting he received. “You missed the first round. It’s your
shout!“
Jim obliged. “It took me a while to talk him
into doing the job,“ he explained, placing two refreshers on the
table.” He mumbled something about not liking to put plugs in tyres
and I told him I didn’t like driving around on the rims, so we came to
an arrangement. His name’s Harold; he’ll be in here shortly.”
Jim sat pensive, with no intention of finishing
his beer until he did arrive, thus setting Sam up for the next shout.
“I’ve been thinking over my little chat with him in there, and I sense
that he’s got a touch of depression. It’s not a bad day, but a bad
mental day that is troubling him.“
A quick discussion between them resulted in
their resolve to be tactfully inquisitive. “ Just maybe we could help
a fellow man. “
At that moment a flustered overalled gent
approached. He was introduced to Sam, who, on his best behaviour,
promptly acquired three refreshments, although not before delaying the
barman by persistently rummaging for collateral.
To their surprise Harold drank his strait down,
apologised, spluttered “ I needed that,” and contracted a
replacement. “Now I can sit quietly,” he sighed, “and enjoy the
company.”
Jim opened the conversation. “You may have had a
rough day, Harold, but you seem to have a good business going there.“
“Oh yes, it’s a good goer all right, that’s why
I’ve been thinking of selling up. I could get a fair price for it
too.”
“And what would you do then?“ they asked.
“Bludge!” The word came out with considerable
emphasis.
“Bludge?”
“Yes fellahs, bludge! At least until I’ve had a
damn good break.“
“And then?“ they chorused.
“Then I’ll start all over working for somebody,
maybe in the city.“
On hearing these words, Jim couldn’t dissuade
him quick enough. “You try your luck there and you’ll very soon be
glad to get back west; if you don’t get to the asylum first.”
Sam continued the theme. “That’s where the worst
drivers gravitate to be late for where ever they’re goin’! Slowin’
down is not an option. No one’s got time to say a pleasant hello, let
alone a brief chat.“
Although Harold made no reply, they could see he
had taken in the remarks , so Jim kept up the pressure.
“Harold, you told me you lived on a few acres
along that side road, and I reckon it would be a nice quiet spot. Now
just think if that was reduced to a quarter acre, surrounded by
boisterous teenagers, loud unpalatable music, barking dogs and big
boy bikies doing burnouts without mufflers day and night.”
“You chaps can lay it on thick! Anyway, I’ll
tell you why I’m thinking of shifting. It’s for my kids education.
I’ve got two boys and I want them to have a better schooling than I
had. The eldest will finish school here this year. He’s got his mind
set on being an accountant, and I’m going to see he makes it.”
Harold gathered the empty glasses and returned
with three replacements. He remained standing. “Excuse me a moment.
I’ll just pop back to the shop and check on my offsider.“
“It’s not only the schooling troubling him Sam,
the business is stressing as well.” The brief absence allowed them
the opportunity to share ideas, and to align their tactics in
readiness for his return.
Jim, acting on his own initiative, took the part
of spokesman and continued. “Sam and I have had a quick chat here and
we think we could offer something useful to mull over before you get
committed. If it’s OK , we’d like to share them with you.“
“I will be glad to hear anything you have to
say,“ he smiled , but it still looked forced.
“So then, to start with your boys education.
The youngest has a couple of years to go here and is still to decide
his future. I’d think about him later.”
“He may even decide to join you in the
business,“ Sam added.
“The elder lad is more immediate. Have you
thought of a correspondence course?“
Harold sighed. “Yes, but the wife and I would be
little or no assistance to him, so doing it that way is a hard slog.
He’s sure to need outside help.“
“And we are just the fellows to solve that for
you, aren’t we Jim? “
“That’s right. Do you know David Downs, the
local MP?“
“I know of him, never met him. Why? “
“A lot of people don’t know this,“ Sam
responded, “but before he got into politics, Downsy was an accountant,
and a damn good one too.“
“I see!” Harold nodded in slow motion.
“In a few months time he will be hanging up his
briefcase for good, which means he’ll be out of work and looking for
something to do.” Noting a lift of interest in their man, Jim kept
right on going. “ We know David very well. He’s a nice bloke, outside
of politics that is, so with your permission we would like to put the
situation to him. I’ll even get him to call and have a natter to you
if you’d like. He goes past here every few weeks.“
“By all means. Gee guys I thank you, you’ve made
my day.“
“We’ve made you smile, that’s good. We are just
ordinary blokes who have probably seen a bit more of life than you. We
have had it tough too, at times.“
“Who hasn’t who lives in the Black Stump zone!
Let me buy you one more each and then I must get back to the shop.“
“There’s still the business stress to work on,”
Jim reminded. “We’re not finished with you yet.”
A much calmer trio settled around the table for
their ‘one for the roader.’
“Now Mr.H,” Jim opened a second time, “I might
come down on you a bit heavy in what I’m about to say, but that’s just
my way, so please understand.“
“Go ahead, I’m immune. I’m married you know!“
Jim took a deep breath, softened his voice and
began. “First, we know you have a good business because you said so.
That leads us to suspect the customers are managing you and not the
other way about. Am I right?”
“Yeah,” he paused. “Yeah, they do pressure me a
lot.”
“Then your priorities are off line.” Jim pointed
a finger directly across the table. “So listen to this. It is your
business, you are the boss, you make the decisions, you make the
rules, you make the prices, you pay the wages.” He paused once more.
“Do you get what I am trying to say?”
“Sure, but sometimes it’s not easy.”
Sam jumped in. “Of course it’s not, that’s
because you are the boss and not the worker. You wouldn’t have it any
other way, would you.”
Jim continued. “I’m not going to tell you how to
run your show, but I’ll tell you what I would do if I was in your
position. One tip; If you get an appendicitis on a Wednesday
afternoon, don’t go to the hospital, go direct to the golf course,
because that is the only place to find a doctor. And that is where I
would be one afternoon a week; every week! There would be a large
sign on the front wall saying ‘NOT OPEN”. The offsider, as you call
him, would work behind closed doors.”
“I like the idea alright, but I’ve got a lot of
work there.”
“Lose a customer or two, you can afford it!” Jim
stood up for his parting words. “So that’s the way we both see it,
Harold. Be the boss, relax a bit. It’s all really up to you.”
“Gents, I know you have both meant well, and I
am truly grateful. Now I must get back to the shop. We have a big
welding job to finish by tomorrow.”
“My late brother was a welder,” Sam remarked as
they parted.
“Oh yes, and what was his speciality?”
“Petrol tanks! That should send you off with a
smile.”
And it did. After a second round of handshakes
for the day, the pair were on their way home.
“I reckon we might have done a bit of good today
Jim. It gives me a nice feelin.’”
‘Yes it sure does Sam. In fact I’m going to
make a point of calling in on him once in a while just to say hello.”
“Just what I was thinkin’. I’d like to eavesdrop
when Downsy calls, but I suppose he’ll tell us all about it, after all
he’ll have little else to do.”
“And to think it all began with a phone call
from an old neighbour.”
“Yes, just because Mario had lost part of his
roof in a recent storm.”
_________________________________
© F. L. Kemsley
2007
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