One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir - what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?" "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
"The doctor gave me these tablets and said I would have to take two a day for the rest of my life."
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. Lighting a Candle Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a salesman snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
If there is any part that you find distressing, please tell us and we will remove the offending material. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
Source: Catholic Voice, December 2001
"What is so terrible about that?"
"He only gave me 20 tablets."
Sources: Weekly Bulletin -The Holy Name of Mary Parish, Rydalmere; The Catholic Weekly 19 August 2001
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and
says,"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"
Source: Internet
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Source: Internet
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father,
"how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"
Source: Internet
The Statues
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Source: Internet
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar
and cream on ours."
Source: Internet
Hell is Unfair
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that salesman gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who
are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Source: Internet
Created 23 December 2001 and updated 30 December 2001.