May 8 ROVERS READY FOR SHINDIG

Berking Rovers are anticipating their end of season party after a 3-3 draw against Lennon-Marx United this afternoon.

Corporate event organisers Dumb Gimix have neglected to arrange overseas holidays for the players ever since the club was banned from all commercial airlines when once, a drunken kit manager looking for the lavatory, accidentally opened the emergency exit at 30,000 feet.

Dumb Gimix are keeping tight-lipped about this season's events but players are hopeful that it will be as exciting as last season's guinea pig hunting expedition.
"It's a chance for the boys to wind down after a hard season." said club chairman Lord Sathington Willoughby.
"It's all just a bit of harmless fun. Whether its hunting guinea pigs or rival goalkeepers. I prefer shooting ferrets personally, but guinea pigs still splat nicely - as do goalkeepers."

The festivities commence this week and will continue throughout the off-season.

May 7...BERKING NOISE - Issue 6

OUT NOW

May 2.....ROVERS DENIED

Berking failed to clinch equal points with Schmoove yesterday after being held to a 2-2 draw against the gritty side.

Marc Ozturk went closest for the home side in a keenly contested first-half but lacked the pin-point accuracy to put the ball through the windscreen of Schmoove's supporters' bus.

The Schmoove faithful were in full song during the match but were regretfully drowned out by the sound of bilge pumps. The stand at Xenophobe End acts as a barrage against the impeding tide and is affectionately (or notoriously - depending where your seat is located) known as The Deep End.

 A Berking Rovers spokesperson stated: "We apologise for the noisy pumps but without them we would have to restrict the height of visiting patrons. The pumps are a nuisance but they do allow fans under 5ft tall to attend the match."

Rovers' plans to upgrade stadium facilities are largely dependant on the results of the Berking Lottery.

Apr 30...The Berking Noise - Issue 5

OUT NOW

Apr 25....JAKE PULLS THE PLUG

Berking Rovers secured second place yesterday with a confident 3-1 victory against Hot Shots. The club however, has conceded the championship despite having to face league leaders Schmoove next week.
Manager, Wazir said: "We'll be stamina training immediately. The goal difference is just too great for us to have any real chance of winning the league."

Someone who doesn't require further stamina is club mascot and crowd controller, Crazy Jake.
Jake ventured beyond his weekly routine late in the first half when he released an opposition winger to introduce himself to the Hattrick television crew.

The Berking - Hot Shots showdown was being presented on television for Match of the Day when for the first time in the network's history, the live coverage of a football match had to be pulled off the air due to millions of viewers witnessing a cameraman being consumed by a German Shepherd/Bavarian Manstopper cross-breed.
"A very unfortunate incident." said a Rovers spokesperson.
"It's difficult to anticipate something like this because it's almost impossible to determine what sets him off like that. Foreign objects such as cameras could be a possible trigger - as are linesman's flags. He's a strange pooch. One day you can have fireworks going off and nothing happens. Other days, someone only needs to applaud and we've got chalk outlines all around the stadium".

Crazy Jake faced the Hattrick board this afternoon on charges of misconduct, however he was released without penalty on the condition that he would loosen his grip on the Chairman's bollocks.

Apr 25...THE BERKING NOISE - Issue 3

OUT NOW

Apr 17....ROVERS WIN DOGFIGHT

Berking Rovers remain in the hunt for the championship as they comfortably defeated Doggies 0-3 - leaving the side three points short of  Schmoove.

The Doggies' chased their tails after the 37th minute when the side was reduced to 10 men. Midfielder Pedro Hughes was red carded for a dangerous tackle on a ball boy, allowing the Rovers to easily dominate the remainder of the match. However, fans grew restless as 17 minutes of stoppage time was added due to a ball boy strike action in the second half.

The Ball Boy Workers' Union has since demanded less off-target shots at goal and more half-time crisps. Hattrick are yet to respond to the demands.

Apr 16...THE BERKING NOISE - Issue 3

Out now.

Apr 10....ROVERS' REVENGE

Berking Rovers' Bouke Blankenstein stole an injury-time winning goal at Swampside to extend Rovers' unbeaten run to five matches and stay within three points of league leaders Schmoove..

Berking looked set for a 1-1 draw with time running out but the last minute decider allowed the home side to overtake Raekwon and move to second place. The late goal  has put a serious dent in  Raekwon's hopes of promotion as well as the away keeper's head as the thundering Blankenstein shot ricocheted its way into the back of the net.

The match was not without controversy however, as some footballing scholars are questioning the morality and legality of Berking Rovers' team doctors. Advanced skin grafts (see picture) and the performance of blood spinning has appeared to give Rovers an unfair advantage. Blood spinning involves strapping a player to the side of a ferris wheel and spinning his platelets - the blood cells that assist the healing process - towards the injury.

Hattrick have made no comment on the matter but a Berking Rovers' spokesperson said: "It's not unfair at all. Many Hattrick teams have a 'clown' - well we have a ferris wheel.

Apr 3....ROVERS DOUBLE

Berking Rovers completed a double over Freakos United today with a 0-4 win away.

Rovers dominated from the start as Cole and Charlesworth missed easy chances before Baldecki fired one in front  following a brilliant play by Berking farmers in crop duster planes. The combination of diving aircraft and clouds of phosphate were enough to distract the Freakos defence and allow Berking to lead 0-1 into the half-time break.

The away side piled on the agony with an extra two  goals in the second half whilst only conceding one which coaching staff blamed on the wind, the pitch, the shadows and the disagreeable Freakos cuisine. The only disappointment for Berking Rovers was the occurrence of several injuries during the match which may have been caused by footballs being inflated beyond Hattrick's recommended pressure. The enlarged footballs looked ready to burst and an attempted header by Kihlskar could have put him in the spinal ward had he been good enough to get onto it. A mis-timed shot by Cole sent one bloated, rock hard ball wide of the goal - landing about a mile and a half to the south. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured by Cole's attempt but the jaws of life had to used to remove a driver from his vehicle's glove box.

Mar 27....SOOGLE UTD SWAMPED

Soogle United were overwhelmed at Swampside this afternoon as Berking Rovers won 4-0 in front of a vocal home crowd.

Soogle appeared to struggle throughout the entire 90 minutes with crosses falling far short from one side and too deep on the other. This is possibly due to the away side using Berking Rovers' training pitch during the lead up to the match. Swampside's training facilities have often been called into question by Hattrick due to the uneven surface and one touchline being 70ft higher than the other. The pitch conditions may also explain why Soogle United chose to play without any right-side defence as the positions had been filled by trees during training.

Rovers' management made no comment today about the training pitch's failure to meet Hattrick requirements. Nor did they care to discuss why the ground staff were wearing bio-suits during Soogle's training sessions.

In other news, Berking Rovers have secured some much needed extra revenue by successfully negotiating a contract with Berking Toxic Waste Removal and Dumping Incorporated.

Mar 20....CAMPBELL IN THE SOUP

Berking Rovers calmly defeated Soogle United 0-2 away this afternoon with young defender Shannon Campbell scoring on debut.
Campbell had only left the youth squad just twenty minutes prior to running on the pitch and Rovers' manager Zavier Wazier hopes to return him before the player's agent starts talking about fees and wage agreements.

Half-time kebabs in the Rovers' dressing room caused a sudden bout of diarrhoea among the squad. The second half was delayed for 15 minutes while ground officials cordoned off the area as a potential biohazard threat. The clogged toilets prevented Soogle's Dave Regan from using the facilities and the midfielder was forced to hold on until he was stretchered off the pitch in the 67th minute after his bladder had exploded.
The unfortunate incident forced both teams to adopt Hungary's old M-U formation as no player was prepared to play anywhere near Regan's position due to the unsavoury playing conditions..

Mar 13....FAREWELL WERDER BRAHMAN: DAISY BLOOMS AT SWAMPSIDE

Berking slaughtered Freakos this afternoon with an entertaining 5-0 victory at home that will surely have local fans in high spirits - probably whiskey.

The match produced a nervous start for Rovers when winger, Hans Kihlskar, received his second yellow card in the 36th minute for flashing his studs in a tackle. Kihlskar reacted poorly to the send-off insisting that he had merely flashed his studly tackle.

Reduced to 10 men, Berking turned the match in their favour when the pitch was invaded by neighbouring livestock. Daisy the cow played an integral role toward maintaining possession as Freakos were unable to hold the ball when half a tonne of bovine slid into a tackle, but she really wowed the crowd with a barrage of goals from each of her feet. The amazing 40 yard volley with her tail was nothing short of amazing but it was all academic by this stage as Berking Rovers had easily secured the three points.

Despite the excellent performance, Daisy failed to win Man of the Match but did manage to win Best in Show.

Mar 06....ROVERS FAIL TO TOPPLE TOP DOG

Berking Rovers were unable to match New Zealand side Raekwon today, losing 3-1 away. The match has increased Berking's injury woes with the change rooms resembling a casualty ward or a Sunday morning at the Asbestos Arms.

No amount of courage, spirit, determination or good old fashioned cheating could hold back Raekwon's wave of attacks which have been apparent all season. The absence of Crazy Jake may have been a contributing factor to Raekwon's formidable performance. The club mascot was still being held at customs due to an alleged drug smuggling attempt. Berking Rovers manager Zavier Wazir stated "We're disappointed with the result as we threw everything, including the kitchen sink into the match"

Raekwon may have to play the remainder of their home matches without running water.

Feb 27.....ROVERS DO IT DOGGIES STYLE

Berking Rovers matched the Doggies tactics securing a 4-2 win at Swampside this afternoon. The comfortable win had Rovers fans ecstatic as the club recorded the most number of competition wins in a row - two. Fans in the Kennel were well behaved and no flares were lit during the match however the half-time fireworks burned down a nearby chemical factory. The club apologised for the incident but maintained that it would still display fireworks in the future, despite the matches being played in daylight.

Celebrations are likely to continue until late tomorrow and local massage parlour employees are praying they can meet tonight's demands and still stay on top of things.

Feb 20.....ROVERS ICE HOT SHOTS

Berking Rovers move to third place and only three points behind the lead after a 1-2 victory away against Hot Shots today. Both goals came courtesy of Javier Luis Robredo who found space on the right after Crazy Jake had subdued the Hot Shots defence. Crazy Jake, the Berking Rovers mascot has looked impressive this season. The German Shepherd and Bavarian Manstopper crossbreed has been in fine form in his favoured positions - "far outside wing" (just wide outside of the linesman) or as a "very offensive attacking forward" (just beneath the opposition keeper's bollocks) - and may prove to be the essential boost that Berking Rovers FC and St. John Ambulance have been looking for.

In other news, a mercedes-benz owned by Hot Shots' manager was found at the bottom of a ravine after the match. Local police authorities suspect foul play but are unable to investigate as they are currently short on human resources since the police attempted to remove Crazy Jake from a goalkeeper this afternoon.

Rover fans borrow the keys to the away manager's motor.

Feb 15.....ROVERS PUT IN FIERY PERFORMANCE

Berking Rovers lost 3-0 away to Schmoove on Sunday signalling an end to the club's record number of successive league victories - one. Berking held most of the possession throughout both halves but squandered chances when in attack. Blankenstein managed to take down a low flying aircraft with a shot that was, according to air traffic control - high, wide and sidewinding.

The atmosphere among the Berking fans was fiery due to a subtle mixture of parochial singing and aviation fuel that had spewed over the Schmoove Stand after a failed Qantas emergency landing procedure.

Feb 6....S.O.S. SEND MORE BEER

Berking fans are delirious as the Rovers managed to secure their first league win with a 1-0 victory over Lennon Marx and second win in a row after a confident performance in last week's first round of the Oceania cup.

The final whistle ended a nervous second half when the tide had changed (literally) allowing Lennon Marx to almost equalise as the water receded from Berking's defensive half. The away side had an opportunity to score during the final seconds but the shot hit the oyster encrusted bar and was ruptured - causing the missile to fart its way wide into the Prawn Sarnie Stand.

The festival atmosphere in Berking this week was almost turned to ruin when local innkeepers were running low on supplies. A state of emergency was declared this afternoon and a convoy of beer trucks have been slowly making its way north from Brisbane and Sydney to supply demand.

Jan 29.... ROVERS ARE TOP DOG

Berking suporters are in high spirits this week as they move to the top of ladder (after zero rounds). The team has been rewarded for it's enthusiam and dedication and deserved to win the crown for the off-season championship. "On the pitch we produce nothing but howlers, but off the pitch in between seasons - we're unstoppable" said club chairman Lord Sathington Willoughby yesterday.

Jan 29 ....MANAGER NAME CHANGE

Berking Rovers would like to announce that from today until further notice, club manager Jackson Anderson wishes to be referred to as Zavier Wazier for taxation purposes.

Jan 26.... FANS PAGE AMENDED

The page has changed as the old format was fairly unnecessay due to hattrick's facilities being favoured. Now it's a members page for those wishing to join.

Jan 22.... ROVERS IN DIV 6

Berking Rovers are currently making preparations for the new season in Oceania's VI.15.

Large tides in conjunction with strong winds has dumped a good deal of sand on the pitch during the off-season. The current sandy conditions would be all too familar for visitors to Arabia or Stamford Bridge but local ground staff are confident that it will all be dredged away before the new season begins.

Jan 19...Update

Legends from The Kennel. Berking Rovers reflects a few of its finest footballers. Link on this page.

Jan 18... Update

The Squad page has been given a much needed facelift....as indeed do much of the squad.

Jan 17.... BRFC APOLOGY

Berking Rovers FC wish to formally apologise for Crazy Jake's behaviour yesterday and promises to replace the classroom hamster.

Jan 16.... CRAZY JAKE VISITS SCHOOL

Berking Rovers mascot Crazy Jake will be visiting Berking Primary School tomorrow morning to help promote football in the local community.

Jan 10....ROVERS ON THE TABLE

Berking 1-1 All-Blacks

Berking Rovers played their first game this season without defeat by holding onto a 1-1 draw at home against All Blacks. Local fans were seemingly pleased with the recent improvements in match performances and the Kennel fanclub have offered to remove the slogan from its newsletter that reads "Berking Rovers: Kick-off will be every 5 minutes".

Rovers manager Jackson Anderson owes a change in training tactics to the players change in form. Firstly, we offloaded a shipping container full of dodgy old sunbeds to Chelsea FC for a modest price and that allowed us to purchase some basic training essentials....like balls, said Anderson. Also we've been taking ideas on board from foreign managers and coaching staff. It's amazing how much easier the lads can step through those speed training ladders if you lay them down. Thanks for the insight Arsene!

Jan 03.... ROVERS BREAK GOAL DROUGHT

Heats Utd 3-1 Berking Rovers

Berking broke its goal drought on Sunday from a superb Patchell cross to the far post, allowing Blankenstein to tap it in the net; providing a 1-1 score at the half-time break. Heats made good use of their opportunities during the second half to take a comforatable 3 points. Rovers manager Jackson Anderson released this post-match statement:

The fans have been a bit surly with our performances of recent but I think we really made some progress today and the goal is testament to that. It took a bit of training but it was worth it. The players seem to understand which end we should be kicking the ball to now. It's vital I think that we all focus on the positive aspects of our game instead of the negative ones. Sure, the local fans burned down part of the Rovers Stand last week after our humiliating loss to Coastfm but the good news is that we no one tutns up to the matches anyway so their should still be plenty of seats available. Also, when you haven't won a match all season - the only way is up.

Berking will be relegated next season.

Dec 27....FM COASTS IN

Berking Rovers 0-5 Coastfm

Berking Rovers' woeful performance on Sunday was more representative of a Christmas pantomime than a football match. The home side were 3 goals down at half time when Rovers manager Jackson Anderson flew into a raging fit, injuring Blankenstein by throwing the players boots across the dressing room. Blankenstein was still wearing them at the time. Anderson later apologised for the incident but insisted that threats of serious personal injury to either players or their next of kin is still a viable motivation technique among tacticians of the modern game.
"The big mistake was allowing the players to do their Christmas shopping I think", said Anderson. "It tires them out and several hours of a synthesized Jingle Bell Rock over the Berking-Mart tannoy would be enough to do anyone's head in."

Dec 20....ROVERS RUE THE DAY

Doofy Clan 4-0 Berking Rovers

Berking spoiled the opportunity to put some points on the table against Doofy Clan yesterday. Despite holding greater possesion than the home side, Rovers squandered their chances by leaking to many goals and failing to finish when holding the ball. The forwards showed a remarkable lack of pace and stamina which may be attributed to poor health due to the club's Christmas party the previous night. Experienced forward Stuart Cole was found half naked Sunday morning - slumped, motionless and somewhat intoxicated inside a Berking department store window where a nativity scene had been designed. The infamous nativity shamelessly portrays a famous English footballer as Joseph and customers had walked past the window for hours before realising that Cole was not representing the nativity donkey.

Dec 16....ROVERS GO DOWN IN FRIENDLY SHOOTOUT

Berking 1-1 SSDD2
SSDD2 won 3-4 on pens

Berking Rovers played at home yesterday to Israel side, S.S.D.D.2. The home side dominated the first half and were able to take the lead by a solitary goal at half time due to perfectly executed set piece in the 17th minute which enabled Gerard-Buys to tap the ball into the net while club mascot Crazy Jake still had the away keeper bailed up in the dressing rooms. Berking striker, Blankenstein was shown the yellow card for diving and during the half-time break, the manager ordered staff to remove the diving board from the crossbar.

SSDD2 equalised early in the second half when the home defence was distracted by a small electrical fire caused by a dampened camera behind gooal; igniting the keepers shirt. Neither side could find an additional goal before the final whistle and the game went into extra time, though no decider could be found.

A penalty shootout ensued to determine the victor and Berking's inexperience and poor shots failed to challenge anyone except the carpark attendant. SSDD2's keeper did just enough to ensure a win and the away side left Swampside as the victors.

Dec 14....HEY LADIES!
WIN A DATE WITH SHAUN

One lucky lady could be the winner of this fantastic prize. A date with Berking Rover's star winger and part-time mail sorter, Shaun Patchell. Just imagine being whisked away from Swampside on the back of Shaun's moped - riding through the streets of Berking and possibly being followed by excited

autograph hunters and debt collecters - to the chippy van of Shaun's choice where you will dine under the stars (or smog - depending on when the local copper smelter is operational) and possibly grab a few drinks and some live entertainment (the cock fights begin at 9pm), before returning you to Swampside before your father has time to report you missing and/or load his shotgun.

To win, just write your name and phone number on the back of a photograph of yourself and hand it in to Dave, our public relations officer who will be wandering around Swampside on matchdays. He'll be the one wearing black and blue. Management apologises for the necessity of a photograph but since the incident last year concerning the winning entry of a Mr. Blatter under the guise of Lola, we must screen our contestants more thoroughly. Poor Shaun is still terrified of Swiss men and marmalade.

Dec 13....NO BONE FOR UNDERDOGS

Berking Rovers fought like terriers to maintain possession at Swampside yesterday against table leaders Henderson Hellraisers but were unable to find any goals; losing 0-1.

The tide played an important role during the first half - flooding a third of the pitch and Berking's keeper remained on top of things with the aid of a pool pony. The prospects of attacking goal towards the Xenophobe End (known affectionately by locals as the Deep End) daunted the away side as only 18 inches separated the crossbar and the surface water. This natural defence allowed Berking to adopt an innovative 0-8-2 formation. Henderson pulled their men back into defensive positions due to their star forward almost getting caught in a rip. A 50 yard screamer would have had the away team leading by a goal at the half-time break were it not for the heroics of the keeper's pool pony which managed to mule kick the ball clear forcing a scoreless draw after 45 minutes.

During the second half Berking encountered the same attacking concerns as Henderson during the first half. Henderson's keeper showed great courage and resilience to resist the strong out-going tide which was trying to pull him off his line and feet. The snapping shark caught in the mesh of the goal net probably encouraged the Henderson number one to stay his ground and not fall back. Or possibly he was wearing a pair of Tensing Sherpa's (now available in Alpine White at the Berking Rovers gift shop). Henderson found some space on the left in the 55th minute which invited Anderner to slot the ball skillfully into the back of the net. The keeper retaliated in his usual manner by throwing punches at his defenders. Neither side could further contribute to the 0-1 score allowing the favourites to bag an important 3 points to stay on top of the table.

Dec 8....ROVERS UNABLE TO STOMACH BELLY'S BOYZ

Lack of experience or possibly too much lager the previous night, let down Berking Rovers in their 0-5 loss to Dutch club Belly's Boyz today. However, no amount of dutch courage could save the home side and manager Jackson Anderson was disappointed that his charges gave away too much possession to the visitors. The local drugs squad will be further investigating these "possessions" during the remainder of the week

"Some of the fans are critical of our forwards," said Anderson."But I think its unfair to point fingers until we actually see them control the ball long enough to get a kick in. They could be potential Van Basten's for all we know All they need is some fitness, skill and talent. Our defence particularly struggled towards the end of the first half and this is something that will need to be addressed. In my day keepers didn't pass the time in goal by texting messages to his girlfriend. It's not something I would normally allow but we have a potentially large sponsorship deal coming up from Berkingfone so we'd thought it would be an ideal opportunity to impress the powers-that-be. But let's not forget the big picture here. We have to look at this game positively. Our boys scrambled in the goalmouth for the entire 90 minutes. You can't buy that sort of training."

Dec 5....ROVERS PUT TO SLEEP

Berking lost 8-0 to Petom Town earlier today but the club is still hopeful of moving forward. Club manager Jackson Anderson made the following post-match comments.

The club is just finding its feet at the moment. Sure the lads are a little rough around the edges but they're cheap. So the fans can either like or it lump it for all I care. The bean counters upstairs are as tight as ever and I'm always under pressure to ensure the club's books remain in the black since my short spell as chief accountant at Leeds FC. Mind you, I'm still disappointed with the result. No one enjoys watching a pasting like that and I genuinely thought we could could come back after being down by 5 goals at half time. In my experience, that much post-goal celebrating by an opponent tends to tire the legs somewhat. With all that dancing around the corner flag by Petom, I had hoped they'd be stuffed during the final 30 mintes.

Dec 4....WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

Berking Rovers will play their first game in the hattrick competition on Sunday against Petom Town. The club's inclusion into the league has sparked new excitement among Berking fans and the club is even considering to scrape off the oysters from the goal frame for the big day.