Many had rumoured at the beginning of the season that Hattrick may have to generate a new division 7 for Berking to relegate to. However, the town has been partying non-stop since the Rovers catapulted themsleves 1 point clear in the final round. The success, according to many footballing scholars and statisticians has been credited to some shrewd
on-field tactics and even more cunning off-field campaigns during the half-time break in the match officials' dressing room.

Berking merchandise sales have never been better and the club gift shop may have to replace its abacus with a proper cash register to adequately process demand.
Rovers' management has announced that the club song "We Are The Champignons" which was recorded one round prematurely last season prior to the club losing its final match and thus finishing second; will be available on a 78rpm K-Tel record on Monday.

Aug 14....LAWS OF THE GAME (part 1)

The Laws of the Game*

*updated Berking Rovers/Swampside edition

 Law 1: The Field of Play

1.1   Field Surface

Matches may be played on partially submerged seagrass surfaces according to the rules of the competition.

1.2   Dimensions

The field of play must be rectangular or something that at least resembles a quadrangle. The length of the touch line must be no greater than the fitness of the assistant referee. No goal line may be deeper than 6ft below sea level.

1.3 Field Markings

The field of play is marked with lines or buoys depending on local tides; marking the areas of which they are boundaries. 

The two longer boundary lines are called touch lines. The two shorter lines are called coastlines.

All lines must be no less than 78% pure, or 86% pure if Robbie Fowler is on the field.

The field of play is divided into two halves by the halfway line. If the field of play consists of a quadrangle with intersecting touch lines. This intersection is considered halfway regardless of its proximity to the goal lines.

The centre mark is indicated by an oyster farm. 

A circle with a radius of 10 yds surrounds the centre mark or deceased body. 

1.4 The Goal Area

A goal area is defined at each end of the field as follows: 

Two lines are drawn or floated at right angles to the goal line, 6 yds from the inside of each post. If the post is encrusted with barnacles, the measurement is taken from the outermost barnacle or with a sextant. These lines extend into the field of play for a distance of 6 yds or until the water becomes too deep to measure any further and are joined by a line parallel with the goal line and rip zone. 

The area bounded by these lines and the goal line is the goal area or “kiddie pool”.

          1.5 The Penalty Area

                     The penalty area is defined at each end of the field as follows: 

Slightly beyond wherever an attacking player is tackled from behind. 

Within each penalty area, a penalty mark is made 12yds from the midpoint between the goalposts and equidistant to them. If pitch curators fail to understand the term “equidistant”, a spot is marked out somewhere within shooting distance. An arc of a circle with a radius of 10 yds from each penalty mark is drawn outside the penalty area. An ark with a speed of 10 knots frequents this area. 

          1.6 Flagposts

                     A flagpost, not less than 5ft above sea level is placed at each corner.

                     Flagposts may also be placed at each end of the halfway line but are not to be incorporated with any post-goal celebrations. 

          1.7 The Corner Arc

                     A quarter circle with a radius of 1 yd from each corner flagpost provides scorers with the optimum photographic opportunity from the print media.

Aug 7....HATTRICK LOOSENS BITE ON WC TICKETS

Tickets for next season’s World Cup will be cheaper and easier to get following new sales arrangements accepted by the Oceanic Commission.

Oceania has been in talks with Hattrick in the wake of complaints from Australian fans that payment methods were too restrictive. Unless fans had a BerkingCard, they faced paying for World Cup tickets in Berking’s traditional barter currency – teeth.

A Hattrick spokesperson stated: “In hindsight, it may have been a mistake to locate our World Cup ticketing office in Berking. We were truly unaware of the local commodity exchange. Had we known, we would have opened a dental practice in that region.”

The BerkingCard was introduced in 1987 as a convenient alternative to having your teeth removed; allowing visitors to experience local restaurants without the fear of being unable to eat their meal after paying for it.

Hattrick have revoked a consumer watchdog’s endorsement of the card when it was discovered that the watchdog in question was Crazy Jake.

Jul 19...ROVERS RETURN TO FORM AS FANS TRIP THE LIGHT FANTASTIC

Berking Rovers secured a comfortable victory at home on Sunday; winning 8-0 against a struggling Coreans side.

The Rovers' faithful supporters enjoyed an entertaining display which was only marred by a yellow card incident given to winger Cornelius Ryba for excessive post-goal celebrations.
The match official warned Ryba that backlipping off the roof of the ticket booth was no way to conduct himself at this level. Particularly when play has already resumed.

The highlight of the match occurred in the 73rd minute when an apparition of Diego Maradonna partying in a cowboy hat materialised in the centre circle. The figure cried out "I am the Walrus! Goo-goo-ga-joob!" before disappearing.

A Berking Rovers spokesperson commented on the event.
"There was a westerly wind blowing which means the ground was down-wind from the copper smelter all day. A couple of hours of the fumes is all it takes for people to start seeing all sorts of things. I once saw Scotland win the world cup."

Whether it was a toxin induced "trip" or not - some in attendance saw it as the second coming. Others simply cried "Hand ball".

The Berking Rovers club shop intend to release a Diego Maradonna commemorative spoon to mark the event.

Jul 4....ROVERS GIVEN THE BIG "A"?

Earlier this year, Berking Rovers informed Football Federation Australia of its intentions for A-League submission. Read our A-League submission.
The new league is almost upon us and the club has received no reply. This can mean only one thing - Mr. Lowy's in-tray must be several months behind.

Jul 4....ROVERS COME HOME

Berking Rovers returned to form this week with a convincing 2-0 win at home against Doggies.

The half-time shark warnings failed to dampen the spirits or underpants of the home side as they successfully maintained possession throughout the second-half to deny the Doggies any chance of squaring the match.
The 50th minute substitution of Antonius Merauje for the Cruyffbot 3000 injected some much needed attack as the new youth pull from the club's Cybernetics Division (which was initially developed so the Chairman may one day cheat death) performed well at the front and included some very strong and effective tackles which were reminiscent of Franco Baresi during his heyday or the 5:15 from Central Station.
The 3000 model is a vast improvement from its 2000 predecessor. The 2000 model was unfortunately installed with the infamous El Beatle Processor chip which randomly forgot to download tactics and instead forwarded commands to lie face down in a pub near Old Trafford.

Jun 19....ROVERS CHASE TAILS

Berking Rovers failed to ask the questions on Sunday during an uninspiring 1-2 loss to Lennon Marx United.
Blankenstein's first-half equaliser proved the only highlight for Swampside's faithful as Berking failed to finish in the second half. However, the home supporters accepted the loss better than usual.

Berking management hinted that the linesman was being somewhat "too enthusiastic" about his job, however a coroner's report released today indicates that the match official was in fact drowning and not ruling off-side as interpreted by the referee.
Berking Rovers FC send their condolence to friends and family of the linesman and have promised a sea burial during the next home match as a very high tide is expected. Known as "Georgie Boy" by some and "Blind Wanker" by many, the former flag waver will be laid to rest to the tune of "You'll never walk again".

Jun 15...ROVERS STILL TOP DOG

Berking Rovers came from behind on Sunday to earn a draw against second placed Raekwon - keeping the club on top of the the table.

Berking conceded a goal in the opening minutes when goalkeeper Dariusz Stolar was caught 200 yards off his line whilst visiting a betting agency across the road. Upon his return, the match turned into a very even affair with Cornelius Ryba scoring the equalizer in the 34th minute when his miss-timed strike punctured the ball - skewing it at right angles into the net.

Berking will be pleased as it was able to secure the necessary finances for new signing Antonius Merauje who looked comfortable in defence. Even when club mascot Crazy Jake had a linesman bailed up near the corner flag, Merauje displayed his professionalism and general common sense by failing to assist the match official's cries for help.

Berking have another tough match next Sunday when they face Lennon Marx United.

Jun 6....THE DOCTOR IS IN

Berking Rovers moved to the top of the table yesterday after a 7-0 goal feast against Parramatta Power.
The gaping margin came courtesy of a four goal haul by Bouke "Doctor" Blankenstein. The Doctor pronounced Parramatta's keeper  dead on arrival after the visitors failed to keep out any of his shots on goal.
Berking's loyal,  genetically challenged supporters were over the moon with both the victory and the final of Act of the half-time entertainment.

The half-time festivities involved a local production by the Berking Workshop Theatre Company (1998-2005).
"I didn't think much of it in the beginning" said one bemused football fan.
"All those splayed legs and alarmingly large codpieces were a bit naff and there was too many chants of Hey Nonny No for my liking. But when our Jake came on - he really turned things around."

Berking Rovers' club mascot Crazy Jake, introduced his thespian talents to the Swampside faithful with a brief performance from one of Shakespeare's lesser known tragedies - Cujo: The Musical; as he massacred the cast with the same verve and passion that the cast had used to massacre The Merchant of Venice.
 

May 30....STRONG START FOR ROVERS

Berking Rovers secured three comfortable away points yesterday after defeating Esteban's 11 1 - 4.

Rovers' manager, Wazir, had fine tuned his half-time speech this week after a disappointing guest address to AC Milan during the Champions League final.
Rovers forward, Marc Ozturk was obviously inspired by Wazir's half-time cattle prod as he rained shots on the Esteban keeper after 60 minutes and downed shots at the clubhouse bar after 90 minutes - celebrating  a much deserved hattrick.

Berking Rovers was in some financial difficulty during the off-season when telecommunications giant Berkingfone had failed to renegotiate terms for kit sponsorship before the deadline. Despite Berkingfone's proud advertisements stating that their communications network is available in 9 out of 10 cow paddocks across Berking, the two parties were unable to attain a strong enough signal to secure the deal.
Fortunately, Berking Rovers managed to to sign a new sponsor at the eleventh hour, however it is still unknown if the new contract is a long term one.