Dec 18...ROVERS LOVE IT ON TOP

Swampside was in full chorus this afternoon as Berking Rovers defeated MOFC 7-0 to win the league. Faces in the stands were black and blue - partly due to face painters outside the ground but mostly due to a pre-match scuffle with MOFC fans.

MOFC proved their inability to counter the local floodwater conditions when they failed to bring any floatation devices or typhoid vaccinations.
The highlight of the match was a spectacular headed goal by Berking's Lawrence Arrowsmith, who timed his wave perfectly to intercept a crossed ball whilst riding on a boogie board.

This season's success adds to an already accomplished career for manager Zavier Wazir. Wazir lead Berking to a division six championship and promotion last season. Wazir's tactical skills and keen eye for illegally imported players, has cemented his position for another season.

Berking Rovers' management has urged fans wishing to visit the trophy to please not bring pets and livestock with them this year as long queues are expected.
The Division 5 Cup will not be on display with Berking's other silverwear due to limited space in the toilets. Instead the trophy will be shown at the nearby Louse Museum on Berking Square.

Dec 4....BERKING BREACH PROTOCOL

Berking Rovers' emphatic 0-5 victory over second placed Protocol, has set the side in a commanding position to win the title.

With only the bottom two teams to play against, Berking supporters are calling the remaining matches "academic". Surprising, considering that few Berking supporters have ever advanced their schooling beyond the third grade.

Club mascot Crazy Jake
celebrates another win.

State authorities have already placed neighbouring breweries on high alert as last season's division six victory caused beer droughts throughout south-east Queensland as local supplies declined.
Local beef industries have warned Australians that if Berking do win the title; shortages can be expected due to excessive barbeque parties and cow tipping.

Nov 28....ROVERS DELIVER FOUR PLAY

A Ramirez hattrick provided the necessary ingredients for Berking Rovers 4-1 victory against Birralee FC on Sunday. Prior to the match, only five points separated the top seven teams and the win secured a vital three points for Berking who are currently holding a narrow one point lead.

Rovers' recent form has coincided with club manager, Zavier Wazier's return to the helm. Wazir, who was recently accused of player abuse and neglect; was detained in Zurich to front a FIFA inquiry and later at The Hague by the International Court of Justice.

Assistant manager Colin Toejam had been holding the reins during Wazir's absence but with little success. Toejam's 1-1-2-1-3-1-1 formation proved too confusing for players - particularly with the goalkeeper on the right wing.
However, Toejam's inability to effectively negotiate player transfers was most likely his greatest fault.
 
Berking Rovers negotiate another player transfer.

Despite his strong understanding of Berking's traditional approach to club talks (ie. pistols at dawn), Toejam repeatedly neglected to place a sniper in the bell tower to ensure a mutual agreement.

Nov 17....WE ONLY TYPE WHEN WE'RE WINNING

Berking Rovers' publicity bureau has been low-key all week due to a demoralising 4-1 loss to SODOR on Sunday and several workplace injuries among the club's office staff.

Workplace health and safety: Some paper cuts can be worse than others.

A 7th minute goal by Ramirez failed to shut out the home side as Berking struggled to field a full-strength team due to international duties for this week's World Cup qualifiers.

Berking's star midfielder Shaun Patchell was a surprise inclusion to the Australian squad for both fans and coach alike. Patchell had travelled to Sydney with the intention of auditioning for Australian Idol. However, due to a poor sense of direction which he sustained after being locked in a cupboard during his infant years; Patchell accidentally attended a Socceroos trial instead.

Australian coach Guus Hiddink was so impressed with Patchell's gangsta-rap version of Kenny Loggins' Footloose; he included the Rovers stalwart into the Australian squad.

As Australia locked horns with Uruguay on Wednesday for a World Cup berth, Hiddink's decision to play Harry Kewell instead of Patchell would prove to be an important one as the Berking winger had already nipped outside for a kebab.

Nov 7.....ROVERS WING THREE POINTS

Berking Rovers secured a 0-2 victory against Backyarders yesterday to extend their lead on the table by three points.

Berking's unusual decision play both wingers on the left proved to be a masterful tactic as Backyarder's star left-winger, Shane Lassman,  tragically passed away last week when at low tide he encountered an unexploded landmine near the touchline at Swampside. Lassman survived the blast but not the medical treatment by Berking's local surgeon and abattoir specialist.

Choosing a successful team formation may take a very long time for some Hattrick managers.

Local defence authorities suspect that the landmine had been placed underwater during WWII to repel possible Japanese invaders and/or abalone poachers.
Strictly speaking, the war did not end in Berking until 1962 due to poor telecommunications. Berking's only mail donkey was shot by friendly fire in 1944 when it was thought to be two Japanese soldiers disguised as a pantomime horse.

Oct 30....ROVERS HANG ON

A 1-1 draw was all Berking Rovers could muster at Swampside this afternoon after having a man sent off in the first half.

Barney Tompkins received his second yellow card in the 41st minute after the referee ruled that the Rovers' defender was breaching the laws of the game with his unauthorised use of a cross-bow during play.

In other news, stadium upgrades were completed at Swampside this weekend with the new lighthouse
High tide at Swampside

lamps being tested for the first time. The Isle of Light as some are calling it was originally designed to compensate for the lack of luminescence provided by the surrounding light towers. The Swampside light towers were unfortunately installed with strobe lights which increased local ecstasy consumption by 4000%.

Pomp and ceremony surrounded the initial lighting of the lighthouse lamps on Saturday, prior to the jamming of  the beacon's rotating mechanism. The unusually intense lamps, which its manufacturers had primarily intended for the USA's Star Wars Defence System; incinerated a flock of seagulls and several other new-wave musicians before remaining fixed towards Brisbane causing several flash-fires in the city's outer suburbs.

Oct 23...ROVERS LIGHT THE WAY

Berking Rovers defeated SODOR 1-3 this afternoon despite the away side conceding its first goal of the season. Rovers' management have assured Berking supporters that the new stadium upgrades will be completed in time for the home match next week. The new upgrade will include a lighthouse which should assist maritime vessels from becoming entangled in the goal nets at night. The new lighthouse will qualify Swampside for night matches - at least for one second in every fifteen.

(left) A local artist's impression of the new stadium at Swampside has renewed debate about the inclusion of absinthe in the town water supply..