Sun 12...Nightmare for Dream Team

Berking Rovers successfully overturned a 8-0 loss to Scyb's Dream Team in the Johnny Warren Cup this week.

The Court ruled that Scyb had breached the laws of the competition by fielding too many league players from the previous weekend's match. This in conjunction with failing to bribe the Chief Magistrate,  meant that three points were stripped from Scyb and awarded to Berking.

Considering that the match was  played at a neutral ground titled Moral Victory Stadium, Rovers'  fans have rallied in support of what may be the largest courtroom sporting coup since the America's Cup.

Scyb's defence may have been perfect on the pitch but it looked decidedly unsettled in court. This may be due to Chief Magistrate Reginald Blowhole's arrival in a Berking Rovers shirt.

Blowhole revolutionised the judicial system during the 60s when he introduced an escalator that ran from the courtroom dock to the gallows.

Feb 28....Rovers in the Backyard

Berking Rovers squandered a 2-0 lead at half-time to draw 3-3 with Backyarders.

Rovers unofficially played with 10 men for most of the second half due to a failed attempt by young forward Johnny Falby, who wished to relieve the Backyarders keeper of his legs with a sliding tackle

Falby's sliding tackles have previously been scrutinized by match officials. Whilst the tackles may begin outside the 18-yard box. They do tend to end about 3 feet inside the keepers' trousers.

Falby was however, unfortunate on this occasion as Backyarders' keeper anticipated Falby and managed to jump clear - leaving poor Falby to slide into the back of the net where he was entangled for the remainder of the match.

Hattrick have turned a blind eye to Swampside's failure to adopt goal nets that meet with International Maritime and Fishing Standards. The rotting whale carcass which remained in goal during several Oceania Cup rounds this season was thought to be the cause of vicious retching by visiting teams - until Berking's lawyers proved to Hattrick that the local water supply achieves similar symptoms.

Feb 7....Sodding Sodor

Last Sunday saw Berking return to form with a convincing 1-5 victory over SODOR.

After their 0-1 loss to Black Magic the week before, Berking's trainers worked overtime last week to build on Rovers' already proficient diving skills. 
Bouke Blankenstein's repeated performances of a triple-reverse pike with a double clutch-of-the-face, left the leading match official no choice but to award Berking a record 42 free kicks.

Berking's tactically impaired half-back Antonius Merauje, literally played out of skin when he attempted to head a daisy-cutter pass clear of the box.
Rovers' defender Antonius Merauje quickly learns that daisycutter passes should be cleared with the boot and not with a header.

Team doctors have since declared Merauje fit to play, however his third-degree grass burns to the face are likely to impede his chances of making the cover of next season's team calendar.

Jan 24...Rhubarb Rhubarb

Berking Rovers dog paddled their way to victory on Sunday winning 1-4 against New Zealand's Rhubarb.

The city of Rhubarb is world famous for possessing the most undisciplined junior mascot's per capita and Berking were taking no chances. In the tunnels, the Rovers wore riot gear as the unruly mob of 10-year-old Rhubarb fans led the players out onto the pitch.

The conditions suited Rovers from the start as the referee had already been informed that his cheque from the Berking Lemon-Sherbet Cartel had been cleared. Rumours that Berking enjoyed 80% possession could not be proved by the local narcotics division.

Berking's Stuey Cole was unable to play due to advanced hyperthermia when he fell off the team bus whilst crossing the Tasman Sea. Cole was rescued by a passing Navy ship but was not subjected to any unsavoury induction rituals.

Left: Travelling away is difficult for any side. Players may suffer from fatigue, boredom, or piracy on the high-seas.

The Rovers' team bus casts off from the Swampside car park with the turning tide. It is also available to ride during weekdays when it is renamed Funstar to entice unassuming tourists. Cruises last for 2-36 hours, depending on how skilled passengers are at engine maintenance.

Jan 19...Everything's Apples for Rovers

Berking Rovers returned to form last Sunday, defeating Birralee 0-3 in the apple isle.

Birralee's home ground is the largest in the league and if Tasmania should ever develop a population large enough to fill it, the little islanders are expected to dominate the competition or at least buy back the sunbeds it sold to Chelsea.

Rovers struggled in the first half due to Birralee's traditional 'Le Mans' start - where players have to run more than 20km from a service station in Westbury to the ground - where a football awaits in the centre circle for the first player to reach it and score.

Players race to Birralee for the kick-off. In many ways, the steeplechase through the ground's turnstiles were the home side's undoing.

Rovers' midfielders were clearly leading the foot race until a passing ice cream van impeded their progress and fitness.
Afterwards, the seizure of this van ultimately improved Berking's times and eventual goals....all to tune of Greensleeves.
 

Howling start for Rovers

Berking Rovers' start to the season went awry this afternoon when the Black n Blues failed to find the back of the net against a 10-man Protocol - losing 0-1.

The Rovers' Number 1 was caught napping throughout the match,  sparking much criticism about whether or not goalkeepers should be permitted a hammock strung up between the posts.

Protocol showed their merit however, when in the 38th minute the defence managed to repel a volley of flanking attacks from Rovers' wingers and several seething away fans.

It became obvious that Berking were under considerable pressure when during the half-time speech, howls of torrent abuse by the manager were heard throughout the stadium. All of this was of course minute compared to the kit manager's insistence on severing the little finger of each forward. A practise that is not often seen outside of Berking's junior leagues.

Berking's Assistant Manager demonstrates to the players how to snuff out a counter-attack.