JOKES AND HUMOUR

Sections on this page :-

Q & A JOKES    LIMERICKS    A GOOD MOVIE

BAD PICK UP LINES -

1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole ?.
2) I,d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you in the morning !.
4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled or fertilized?.
5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6) You are so fine that i'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9) Is that a beer barrel in your pants ?. ' Cause I would love to tap that ass.
10) If your right leg was Christmas, and your left leg was Easter... could I meet you between the holidays ?.
11) You remind me of a prize winning fish, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you !.
12) Your parents must be retarded, because you are so special.
13) Could I touch your belly button....from the inside ?.
14) How about we play lion and lion tamer ?. You hold your mouth open, and i'll give you the meat !.

JOKES -

* An old bloke walks into a bank one busy afternoon and says to the teller,
"I want to open a fuckin' bank account."
The astonished lady replies, "I beg your pardon, sir ?"
"Listen up, cunt !" says the old bloke, "I want to open a fuckin' bank account right now - no fuckin' excuses !"
"Sorry, sir, but we don't tolerate that sort of language in this bank."
At this point the manager walks over, concerned about the ruckus.
"What seems to be the problem, sir ?"
"There's no problem," says the old bloke, "I just won 50 million bucks in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' bank account !"
"I see," says the manager, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time ?"

* One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She fancied him, so asked him what he did for sex.
She told him what sex was and he replied, "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Jane said, "Tarzan, you don't know what you're missing - I'll show you how to have sex."
She strips off her clothes, and spreads her legs wide. "Put it in here !" says Jane.
Tarzan kicked her in the crotch. Jane yells, "What was that for ?"
"Tarzan just checking for bees," came the reply.

* Jenny snuggles up to her boyfriend after they've just made love.
"Am I your first love ?" she asks.
The bloke stares at her carefully for a minute and replies, "You might be. Your face certainly looks familiar."

* Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

* Dave shows up for work in a snappy new suit.
"They're nice threads," says his friend Mick.
"The old lady bought them for me," Dave replies.
"What was the special occasion ?" asks Mick.
"Dunno," Dave admits,
"it was the strangest thing - I came home early from
work the other day and they were hanging over a chair."

* A blonde lady goes into a doctor's surgery with a baby in her arms.
"What's the problem ?" asks the doctor.
"It's the baby," the blonde replies, "she seems to be very underweight."
"Is she bottle - fed or breast fed ?" asks the doctor.
"She's on the breast," answers the blonde.
The doctor decides to examine the blonde.
She takes off her blouse and bra to reveal a magnificent pair of breasts.
The doctor feels each breast, runs his finger over the curves and pulls each nipple.
"That's the problem," he announces," you're not producing any milk."
The blonde is stunned and asks, "Do you think that's normal for an aunt ?"

* An Asian bloke goes to the bank with 2000 yen to be converted into Australian dollars.
He hands the money to the teller, who hands him $76.
The following day, the Asian bloke returns with another 2000 yen.
He hands the money to the teller, who hands him back $64.
The Asian bloke says, "Why you only give me $64, when yesterday you give me $76 ?"
"Fluctuations," explains the teller.
"Oh yeah? Well, fluck you Australians too !"

* When Jack's wife died, he got depressed and went to see a psychiatrist.
"My life isn't worth living," complained Jack.
"Nonsense," says the shrink,
"make your work your life and totally submerge yourself in it. What do you do for a living again ?"
"I clean septic tanks," came the reply.

* A big bloke walked into a public toilet where a small guy dressed in green was having a piss.
The bloke said, "Excuse me for noticing but you've got an extremely long dick. How did it get that way?"
"I'm a leprechaun," answered the little guy, "so I wished for it to grow."
The bloke said , "Wow, could you do that for me?"
"Sure," replied the little guy, "but only if you let me buttfuck you for five minutes.". The bloke agreed.
After it was all over, the big bloke said, "I can't believe I let you do that."
"And I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."

* A couple of aussies were adrift in a lifeboat. Going through the supplies, they stumbled across an old lamp.
When they rubbed it a genie appeared and offered to grant them a single wish.
One bloke was really thirsty and immediatly burst out, "Turn the ocean into beer !"
The genie did so, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Great, dickbrain !" snarled the first bloke. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat !"

*An englishman and an american were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The american was annoyed because his neighbour was more interested in reading than talking to him.
"You english set yourselves apart from everyone else," he said
"Look at me - I've got Italian blood, French blood, Indian blood and Swedish blood. Whaddya say to that ?"
The englishman looked up from his book, "Very sporting of your mother."

* Little Johnny's teacher asked the class to discuss what their dads did for a living.
Mary said, "He's a lawyer. He sends baddies to jail."
Jack said "My dad's a doctor. He makes ill folk well."
All the kids took their turn except Johnny.
"Johnny, what does your dad do ?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's dead."
"I'm so sorry, " said the teacher, "what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat all over the carpet."

* A man and a woman who'd never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both went to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top one.
In the middle of the night the man leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but i'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leaned over and said in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married."
"Yeah, OK !" replied the eager man.
"Good," she agreed. "Get your own fucken blanket !"

* Dave came home to find his wife in bed with his neighbour.
"What the hell do you think you"re doing ?" he demanded.
The wife looked at her lover and said, "There you are, I told you he was stupid !"

* A bloke was driving in the middle of nowhere when he came across a couple of houses. He looked in the first window and was shocked to see an old lady yanking on her boobs and a man wanking off.
He moved to the next house, knocked on the door and a young bloke came out. "Are your neighbours always like this ?" the driver asked.
"No," the bloke replied.
"They're both mute. The lady is telling him to go milk the cow and the man is telling her to fuck off."

* A married bloke went to confession and told the priest he almost had an affair with a woman.
"My son," the priest said, "what do you mean by 'almost' ?"
"It's simple," the bloke replied. "We got undressed and rubbed together but then we stopped."
The priest was pained at this news and told the bloke rubbing was the same as putting it in. He instructed the bloke to say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the collection box.
The bloke left the confessional, said his prayers and walked over to the box. He touched it for a moment and went to leave.
The priest was watching him and quickly ran over in a rage. "I saw that!" he yelled. "You didn't put any money in the box."
"Well, father," the bloke replied, "isn't rubbing it the same as putting it in?"

* Two cows were chatting.
"I've just been artificially inseminated, " mooed the first cow.
"You're kidding, " replied the second.
"Nah - straight up, no bull !"

*A young Scotsman went to study at an English university and lived in a dorm on campus. After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit.
"How do you find the English students?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such noisy people. On one side I've got a bloke who keeps banging the wall... and on the other side there's a guy who screams all night."
"So how do you put up with them?"
"I just mind my own business and keep on playing my bagpipes."

*A bloke buys his missus a burial plot for her birthday, but the next year he doesn't get her anything.
"So, where's me present then?" demands the wife.
"Fair go, you haven't even used last year's yet !"

*NODDY asked his girlfriend, "Do you like bird impressions?"
"Yes," she answered, "would you like to show me one?"
"Sure," said Noddy. "Get a load of my woodpecker !"

*JENNY snuggles up to her boyfriend after they've just made love.
"Am I your first love?" she asks.
The bloke stares at her carefully for a minute and replies, "You might be.
Your face certainly looks familiar."

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QUESTION AND ANSWER -

Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping tom ?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
Q. Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary ?
A. It passes through your jeans.
Q. How do you know you live in a bad neighbourhood ?
A. The church has a bouncer.
Q. What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner ?
A. He got the cold shoulder.
Q. Heard about the sexy female sheriff ?
A. She had a large posse.
Q. Why did God invent lesbianism ?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
Q.What do you call an attractive woman in Latvia?
A. A tourist.
Q.Why are men smarter when they're having sex?
A.They're connected to a brain for a change.
Q.Whats the definition of 'total impotence'?
A. Someone who cant even get his hopes up.
Q. How long is a chinese blokes name?
A. Yes.
Q. Did you here about the girl who spent the night on the synagogue steps in winter?
A. She woke up with a heavy dew on her.
Q. How do you know if you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you.

Q. Heard of the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
A. She blew both of them.
Q. What's brown and hangs off Big Ben in London?
A. Grace Sullivan's shoe.
Q. Did you hear about the Irish cat?
A. It had a shit and buried itself.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde who sniffed NUTRASWEET?
A. She thought it was diet coke.
Q. How do you stop a dog humping your leg?
A. Simply turn him over and suck his dick.
Q. How do you make three kilos of fat attractive?
A. Put a nipple on it.
Q. Whats black and white and tells the pope to go fuck himself?
A. A nun who's just won the lottery.
Q. What do you call a bloke with a one inch cock?
A. Justin.
Q. What do you call a gay american indian?
A. A brave fucker.
Q. Why do blondes drive BMW's?
A. Because it's the only car they can spell.

Q. How many mosquitos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The real question is how they got in there.
Q. How do we know that God's a man?
A. If he was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q. What's the difference between a rock musician and a pig?
A. A pig won't stay up all night rooting a rock musician.
Q. Why did God create man first?
A. He didn't want woman looking over his shoulder.
Q. Why did God invent lesbianism?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
Q. Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's 60 feet long, has 40 legs and smells of urine?
A. A conga line of pensioners.
Q. How do you know when a woman's a slut?
A. She brings a date to her own wedding.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. A mozzie stops sucking when you smack it.
Q. What's the diffence between $100 and a cock?
A. You don't have to beg women to blow $100.

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LIMERICKS -

*When I was a little girl I had a little toy I used to put my
fingers in it and it gave me lots of joy but now that I am older
and that thing has lost it's charm it takes all my fingers and
half my fucken arm.

*A notorious hooker named Hurst,
In the pleasure of men was well-versed,
Read a sign overhead,
Of her ever-warm bed,
"The customer always comes first !"

*A clever inventor named Gene,
Constructed a screwing machine,
Concave or Convex,
It pleased either sex,
And tooled itself in-between.

* There was a young hooker from France,
Who boarded a bus in a trance,
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver came twice in his pants.

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A GOOD MOVIE

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