The Amazons' Big Day Out

These are recollections of a day spent together.  They were sent by one breast cancer survivor to another (who was diagnosed and treated four years later).

As I arrived and you appeared at the front of your house looking absolutely exquisite and somewhat fragile like some rare, exotic flower, my heart, for one second only, leapt in terror at the thought of having the responsibility of safe-guarding for the day someone who is immensely important to so many people.  I quickly changed that, of course, to an attitude of complete delight at the trust you placed in me despite your nervousness (that I suspect approached terror for what we were about to do); admiration for your great courage; and heartfelt gratitude to life for giving me such a wonderful opportunity.

We recalled our delighted surprise when we talked on the phone to arrange pick-up that there was an immediate realisation of another bond between us when I said I wouldn't come in.  (Later, on THE day, we expanded this to the confirmation that neither of us ever would visit the other's house because we understand that, despite the fact that that is where we live, our homes really are our husbands' because they are there so much of the time and we are there so comparatively little.  And I think we considered the fact that to discover that our real homes are to be found only within ourselves is a huge asset really - you can never lose them.)

On the drive down I recollect that we discussed the TV program you'd watched the previous evening on women's fashions and how ridiculous they are; how you'd taken yourself to see and enjoy (by yourself) "Life is Beautiful"; and various friendships of each of us.  When we reached our destination we almost immediately set off to walk right along the main beach, up over the hill and through the bush, removing and replacing shoes, water, etc. as necessary.  I was amazed how quickly we reached the nudist beach.

We found a spot in the shade and absorbed the information that there were eight pairs of eyes belonging to naked men observing us (can you just imagine their surprise when we turned up - let alone what we subsequently revealed!?? - I've been to that beach a few times but never previously seen another woman there).  I took a deep breath, said you could do what you liked but I was just going to do what we came for without thinking about it (it was really easy for me because I'd done it before and I had you to concentrate on you rather than myself).  So I removed my clothing, told you I was going into the water briefly and would be back shortly.  Shamelessly parading myself in front of the men (and being very grateful that none of
them left, threw up or even looked away), I made sure they got as good an eyeful as they wanted, and then returned to find you'd removed much of your clothing.  You quickly took off the remainder, said there was no way in the world I'd get you to remove your wig, hat or sunglasses and we went down to the water together, pretending we were Amazons who'd deliberately had their right breasts removed for practical purposes.  Again, I was struck by your great physical beauty - one or two breasts or none at all makes no difference.

As we frolicked in the fairly rough waves near the rocks, we noticed that some of the men had risen (to their feet!) to get a better look.   Knowing that you don't swim, I begged you to hold on and joked about not wishing to have to report to our boss that I had let you drown.  [The fact that you died smiling and confident would probably not have consoled him and I didn't think I could then guarantee to hold your wig on at all times.]  We also laughed about how surprised they'd be back at work if they could see what we were up to.  We followed this with a look at the rockpools at one end of the beach and a walk to the other.  You'd asked me not to leave you, so when one of the men went right out of his way to meet up with us you hung back demurely while I got rid of him off by politely thanking him for his offer to help us find a better spot to swim and saying that we hadn't actually come to the beach to swim (praying that he wouldn't ask what on earth we had come for then!).

The one occasion when I wished I'd had the camera that I'd promised not to bring was when I saw the sheer joy on your face as I came out from the swim you kindly insisted I have just before we left the beach.  You were saying "I can't believe I just did that - I feel SO proud (of us)" with this look of utter bliss.  I hope you will be able to reinstitute that feeling of confidence whenever you need it in life. 

So we dressed and affirmed that whatever the men were thinking then or later could not hurt us and that it probably was mildly educational for them.  We talked about taking round the hat (can't imagine naked men would have had much money on them!)  and what a shame it was we couldn't return the day following our performance to see if the numbers had increased.

At one stage you asked for, and I regretted that I wasn't able to help you with, a prognosis as to when you'll become used to the loss of your breast, fertility, etc.  As I said, everyone's response is different (in mine it was such a great relief to be able to finally be able to have the damn thing off that it was really a celebration).  But, with the amount of adapting I've observed you doing in the past twelve months and from your magnificent performance on that Monday, I'm sure it will be very soon.  I know for myself anyway, that the loss of oestrogen and therefore libido was actually a bigger problem because that affects the way you feel most of the time (but the phyto-oestrogens - even tablets if you can't stomach the real stuff - really do help as well as being breast cancer preventative).  And, as we discussed over our subsequent lunch, perhaps also lack of Vitamin B12 with the change in your diet (it's found only in animal products) is making you feel lower than you need.  I do hope you are able to obtain more detailed blood analyses from your GP (I've found the oncologist useless for this but a sympathetic GP very helpful) so that you can know what nutrients need to be added.

I think it was also over that very hot lunch that we discussed the thorny issue of sexual relationships as a "monotit".  I said I found it worked best when I forgot my own insecurities and tried to help my husband  with his; to give confidence rather than seek to receive it; to try to put myself in his place.   The actual sex act (as quite distinct from reproduction, etc.) is, I think, much more fraught with physical and psychic problems for men than for women.  And we wouldn't expect another woman without the experience to understand what it's like to have only one breast.  How on earth could a mere male have any idea?

I have given much thought since about the other problems we discussed (how, if the situation can't be changed, one's thinking actually can - NOT overnight of course but with constant repetition - and some back-sliding).  And wondered if a shift of perception might help your reality, and even (at times) a miserable situation to blossom into beauty.  It did for me when I made the decision that the only way to be totally free is to be totally responsible yourself for what happens to you, responsibility to find in life by whatever means that doesn't actually harm another, what it is I need.   That way I can alter it - and what a huge lightening of the load that knowledge gives.  No matter what the circumstances that I feel hold me back, etc. etc., I can say "It is my responsibility to sort out the possible solutions to my being myself to the fullest extent."   And, of course, once you accept that you're totally responsible for what does/has happen/ed to you, then other adults are similarly responsible for what happens to them and that wipes out the guilt, which is another huge relief.

I can't quite recall what we discussed on the journey home but I know it was fun.  The car continually stalled on the way back because of the heat - it's amazing you weren't burnt to a crisp having to be on the sunny side most of the way.   But we finally reached your house - and you went inside. 

I left, feeling so grateful to you for the tremendous courage you had summoned up to undertake that day - one that enabled me to discover many extra situations and attitudes that we have in common so that there is a real understanding in places where I have previously been able to find very little with anyone else; one that had given me such a wonderful increase in the warmth and love I have for you; one that I will always treasure.  Thank you.

P.S.  Re challenges you still have to face - and I know we didn't discuss them on that day but I've thought about them a great deal since.  Perhaps you've already conquered the worst of the 'return to work' challenge on that day when you came back after all the time away?  I remember how nervous you were and how well it worked out.  I know the things there that you still have to face must be large in your mind - but there'll be so many people here to help and encourage you and it's something you've done so well and so often previously.  And you've come so far already since your treatment finished.

I think you see as the next really huge challenge to add to the many you have so far conquered over this cancer situation is your hair because its beauty has been so important in the past to the way you feel about yourself.  Obviously no-one else can solve this one for you and I've been meaning to ask if you have an empathic hairdresser to help you with this one, perhaps to see you out-of-hours to discuss the best way of dealing with it.  (I can recommend someone if you wish.)   Of course it will certainly be a relief for you when you know you've met this challenge - and the greater the challenge, the greater the joy when you deal with it.

Of course, solutions to challenges don't just happen and then never have to be worked on again.  But, in my experience, the memory of the initial break-through always remains so that follow-ups aren't nearly as difficult. Gradually I can't  remember that I ever thought the original way.  

Whatever, I feel confident indeed that you are going to find the answer to this problem very soon (perhaps you will have by the time you receive this).

And if ever all these challenges seem too daunting, just think where you were twelve months ago in relation to your thinking.  Look at the HUGE strides you've made by taking a little step at a time!  And look again at what you did on the beach that day!!

PS  Less than two months later, I am totally delighted to announce to the world that, with great persistence and bravery and the help of two counsellor friends, you have met and mostly overcome ALL the big challenges - truly the equivalent of climbing Mt Everest several times over in only a few brief weeks.

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