Phil's Story

Phil's story
February, 2001

Phil writes about the experience of supporting his wife, Lyn, when she was diagnosed with melanoma. Phil's story illustrates what is a common theme for many cancer patients and their families, that is, the experience of having some friends - often of long-standing - completely cut off all contact and social interaction just at the time when most help and support is needed. This puts an even greater burden of grief on the cancer patient and their family: the losses due to the cancer, and the loss of treasured friendships and potential support structures at a critical time of need.

We need to work towards overcoming the fear that leads to cancer patients and their families being ostracised at the time of their greatest suffering.

Despite the pain of dual losses, Phil says that the pain of grief does diminish over time and that Lyn left him and their children with a treasured legacy of hope and courage.

My wife died on Feb 28th 1996 after a battle with melanoma lasting 14 months. Throughout the battle she and I never gave up hope.

After the initial removal of the suspect mole on her back, she went for her 1 month check up then a 3 month then the 'big' one at 6 months. All was clear till 2 weeks after the 6 month visit when lumps formed under her armpit. A full body scan was performed which revealed she had secondary growths on the liver, the lungs and aorta. During the last 2 months of her life it was also in her brain, which affected her speech and emotions.

Her fight was a courageous one and the support of the cancer support group was invaluable. We also gathered as much medical information about the disease as we could and educated ourselves.

During the 14 months I also read books on preparatory grief, how to talk to children about death and how to cope, also books on what to do after they've all gone home (the funeral).

Our 2 girls, aged 10 & 8 at the time of Lyn's death, were therefore prepared as well as could be. Lyn deserves the majority of the credit for that, I just supported her.

From the day of her death until today I have yet to understand fully the behaviour and lack of support by the majority of both my and Lyn's friends and relatives. People that I thought would give the girls and I the most support have not been anywhere near us for almost 5 years. My eldest girl's god parents, who I regarded as my best friends, have not been sighted or made any contact with us.

I have spoken to counsellors and similarly strickened people about this with little or no real answers to satisfy my curiosity other than the comment, "They were never your true friends anyway, so move on and make some new ones", which I have done.

I want to let others know that they are not alone if they too have experienced something similar. I know of 3 other bereaved people who have had similar experiences. One lost her hubby and the others lost their only child.

All the self-help books I have read allude to the pain of grief diminishing with time. Well, I feel that is true.

I noticed a real change in my feelings on the anniversary of the 4th year. Of course the sadness is always there on special days such as birthdays, Christmas and Mothers Day, but it somehow has become easier to accept and cope.

My girls buy me a card for Mothers Day and Fathers Day!! I used to avoid talking about my wife's death but that now has become easier to do and I have been able to give advice and encouragement to others when asked about melanoma cancer, its treatment and side effects.

I found that Lyn, when she commenced the chemotherapy, could cope really well during the infusion but immediately it had finished she would vomit. Later when the cancer moved to her brain the radiotherapy would make her very weak and dizzy. The doctors were trying some new drugs on her as well and they would often give her cramps at night in her legs. This was very trying to wake in the middle of the night to her cries of pain.

At first my relationship with the medical personnel treating her was one of complete trust and understanding. As time wore on, some doubts and trepidation crept into my mind. I would ask myself,"Have they got it right?" and "Are they giving her the right treatment?"

I rang the NSW Cancer Council and was told that we were entitled to a second opinion if we wished. All through this time Lyn was so optimistic and positive.

Who or what has helped me? Well the support of my family was important, especially my mum. Some of our friends were helpful and we had some help from others I didn't regard as close friends. A lot of Lyn's friends refused to accept, or believe, that she was a victim of a terminal disease. I reflect this was a denial process and a way of not being hurt.

The night we were told of the gravity of Lyn's disease one thing sticks in my mind and that is on the way home she said to me, "Phil, I'll never get to see the girls get married." My response was, "Of course you will. You'll beat this thing!"

My family has managed, I feel, because of the strength I have gained from Lyn and her attitude to her disease. She gave me the inspiration to carry on and raise the girls on my own. I must give some credit to the numerous books on grief I have read and the cancer support group we belonged to. It was Christian-based but did not impose on those of us who were not regular church goers or practising Christians.

My perspective on the whole experience is one of getting on with life as best I can, supporting my children and being as honest with them as I can possibly be. Death still frightens me but not as much as it used to. The gains I have made through my cancer experience are that I have a helper's perspective of the whole process, I understand the sufferer's side of things, I am very conscious of and sympathetic towards sufferers and offer my advice and support to them.

Living with Lyn for the 14 months she fought melanoma gave me courage and inspiration that if ever I was to contract cancer I would draw on her courage and fortitude as an example to follow.

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